Memorial Day

Today is Memorial Day. The last time I went to a cemetery on Memorial Day was the Memorial Day after my mom died. We went because they always say the names of all the veterans who had passed in the last year. I remember sitting there, listening to list of names being said. I was 12 at this point and I remember even on that warm May day, I felt cold. I looked around the cemetery that I had been to so many times before and I knew now what all it meant. The years before my Mor Mor and my mom had always taken me to visit Mor Far’s grave and an older sister I had who died as a baby. In those years prior, I had always played on the gravestones. 3 in particular were my favorite. They were the kind that were completely cement, no dirt. I would jump from one to the other till Mor Mor told me to stop and have respect for the dead. I didn’t know what she meant. I don’t think I fully understood what “dead” meant and that people could be dead.
But on that Memorial day, waiting for my mom’s name to be said, there was no jumping from grave to grave, in fact I was very careful of where I walked. In the last year I had lost my dad, my mom, and mor mor, and the dirt on their graves were still fresh. I now knew what was under my feet. Under my feet were people that had once been loved and been full of life. That was 16 years ago and I have never been back on a Memorial Day. I have been to the graves countless times but due to where I live and I have never been close enough to make the trip. But now I am visiting for my nieces graduation and I am faced with going, and not only going, but I have both girls with me also. I have never taken them before. No specific reason but now that I have the option I don’t know if I want to. Is a cemetery a place for a 3 year old? She really won’t understand, and I pray that she will never understand until she is much, much older. But then again, there must always be a first.
I decide that yes, I will go. And I will take both girls. And you know what? It worked. Yes she didn’t understand and yes I had to get after to not to pick the flowers off of other graves but we had fun. We picked the spare flowers that had blown away and even a couple real flowers. And to top things off, she jumped from grave to grave on the 3, just like another little girl did not so many years ago.

The radar

Children have a special sort of radar to know the exact moment to make your life that much harder. This is scientifically proven. Here are the 5 examples of this

1. When you run into the store and don't bring the diaper bag because you are only grabbing one thing. This is when your little sweety will have such a massive poop that covers their back, legs, and the shopping cart they were in.

2. When you get all dressed up in some fancy clothes they will throw up on you (or pee, or poop. Remember your 3 P's) I have learned to put on all nice clothes at the last possible second, AFTER I have kissed my kids goodbye.

3. They get sick/hurt on the weekend. You are left with 2 choices: take them in for a huge ER bill or spend the whole weekend telling yourself that the giant lump protruding from your child's arm is not bone, it's suppose to look like that.

4. The moment you have had your glass of wine, your husband is snuggled in close to you and leans in for a kiss, one of them will wake up crying...or both.

5. They know when you are too tired to care. Be it you are pregnant, sick, or just plain exhausted they know. And they will take full advantage of this. This is when they will do everything just short of murder and you are just so tired you let them as long as they are leaving you alone. Heck sometime you just start chucking candy at them just so they will leave you alone and be quiet for awhile.

The 3 P's of motherhood

So I had someone message me about my blog. She said she got the feeling that I was feeling my life was unremarkable. She was right. I do feel like that. And before all you stay at home moms get in a huff know this, I know we have one of the most important jobs in the world. We are raising up the next generation of this country and how we raise them is going to make a world of difference but in the here and now, when I have been peed on so many times today that I have lost count, I feel trapped. I love my girls. I would die for them and I would kill for them. There are moments when I am watching them that I think my heart just might break if I loved them anymore. But there are days in which I wish I wasn't a mom. That I had my carefree life again. When I thought what my future would hold when I was in high school or even my early 20s it did not involve pee, poop, or puke. Well...maybe the puke, but that would have been because I had one too many beers in Germany or a bad bottle of wine in France. Not because everyone in my house has the stomach flu and they want me to hold them while they are sick. Now I don't want a million responses about how I should love being a stay at home mom and that this is part of the sacrifice for the future and the love your children give you makes everything worth it and...you get the point. I think all moms would be lying if they said they had NEVER thought about what their life would be like without their kids. We just learn to cope. Some cook, some drink, some write and for people like me, I drink and write. Now if you will excuse me, my wine glass is empty and I have to go wash some diapers :)

Is this thing on?

So I am stepping away from my other blog for a moment. Well, I guess it's been a year since I have posted there so I have ALREADY stepped away. But I do plan on going back to that but I want to keep that flowing so I will add to here instead. For those who don't know I love to write. I am not a great writer nor an elegant one. Heck, I sometimes end up using different words because I can't spell others. But ever since I first read "A Wrinkle in Time" I have always imagined that I would someday write books like that. That someday, another little girl would be huddled in her room, drinking in a wonderful fantasy world that I had created. Oh how I had my life planned out. I would own a modest manor house Scotland, set next to a tranquil lake and a small woods. It would be there I would write these wonderful novels, surrounded by this peaceful yet magical land. I would never be married (though I would have lovers) and would never have children. I wanted to be free to do what I wanted. Fast forward 10 years and I still live in KS in a 3 bedroom rented house, married and a stay at home mom to 2 girls. Never went to college, never seen the ocean, and never have traveled outside the U.S.A. But despite all of this I still love to write. And because of all of this I think I have to write. 3 and half years later I am still trying to come to terms I am a stay at home mom. That all of my dreams have been put on hold and that I don't know if I will ever be able to dig them out again. So I am doing this blog. It will be what I am going through. I don't know exactly what I will write and I doubt it will ever have a theme or a flow. And it may never, ever be read. But I can sit here, watching Ari play and pretend, for a moment, that I don't have spit up on my shirt and that I am the funny, witty, sophisticated woman that I have always wanted to be.