I love my girls. I love them more than anything else in my life. I love them more than I loved my parents, my sisters, my friends, and my (now ex) husband.
And I also want to sell them off to the nearest band of roving gypsies and never see them.
Ahhh, the Paradox of Motherhood. We have all heard it. We love our kids, but can't wait to get away from them. But then we get away from them, and we miss them. But, to me, this only skims the surface of how I feel about my girls.
To me, my children are my paradox. Their very existence confounds me. How I love them confuses me.
I look at them and they amaze me. Those 2 girls are as different as night and day. But yet, I can watch them both, and see me in each of them. They fight like cats and dogs and I am constantly on them about sharing with each other. But when Ari was waking up from anesthesia, the first person she asked for was her sister. They don't listen worth a damn sometimes, and I am constantly feeling like I am only half a step ahead of a mental break down. But when I think about something happening to them, I break down in tears. Because just the mere thought of losing one them breaks my heart in a way I am sure I could never recover from
But I sometimes think of what my life would have been if I hadn't had them. How I could be free to stay out late on the weekends. To game till 2 in the morning while living off a diet of Mt. Dew and Pizza Rolls. How certain areas of my body wouldn't be sagging. I feel guilty about how I am 99.9% positive that if I could, I would tell my younger self to never have kids. I especially feel guilty when they are away for week at grandma's, that I kinda, really don't miss them.
I never wanted to be a mom. Most girls dream of their future husbands, their wedding day, and then being a mom. I didn't. In fact, when I drew my dream wedding dress in grade school, instead of a bouquet of flowers, I drew me holding a sword. Because I was going to be kicking ass, not getting married. Or maybe I was going to run my husband-to-be through. But either way, I wasn't going to be tied down to some man.
But I did. Because everyone said I should. And then everyone said that since we were married, we NEEDED to have kids. Don't listen to that nagging voice in your head that says you aren't really ready and maybe you aren't mom material. Because being a mom is the best joy there ever could be. The most rewarding job you will ever have.
(BTW, we really need to stop telling young people the above. WORST ADVICE EVER!!!)
Because not everyone is made to be mom. My roommate told me she knew that if I didn't already have kids, I wouldn't have kids. And she wasn't being mean. She was being honest. And she was right. I am not mom material. I am selfish and self absorbed. I am constantly telling other young woman not to have kids if they have doubts. Because seriously, having children really should be the one decision people shouldn't rush into!!!
And therein lies my paradox. Because the above statement is true. I am not mom material. My whole goal of the next 15 years of my life is to raise those two spawn of mine to be completely self reliant and able to move the hell out of my house when they are 18. I don't see me being teary eyed when they move out. I see me renting the U-Haul to take their crap so I can turn their room into a library/gaming room. (The way it was before I had them!!) But yet, I am a mom. And there are some people who say I am a pretty good mom. And I know that who I am today is because I am a mom. And not that being a mom identifies me by any means. But the last 6 years of my life have shaped me to be who I am now. And while I still struggle on whether or not I would change that if I could, I know that at this moment of my life, I love those girls with every ounce of my being. And I am completely looking forward to this weekend when I don't have to be around them. ;)
Tuesday, June 25, 2013
Saturday, March 9, 2013
All by myself....
I am a single mom and it sucks. You do everything alone. You cook, alone. You clean, alone. You clean up pee and vomit in the middle of the night, alone. Michael hasn't lived here for 8 months now. And in that time I have had mental break downs over the stupid, $%&&*,^^$#%#^,&*$$%@,$^%#%$,&%^*$,^&*%^#$,%@%$ light bulbs blowing out. I have created the leaning tower of laundry baskets because I went over a week without folding clothes. I have fed my children dinner out of measuring cups, because I hadn't done dishes in a couple days. And did I mention the light bulbs?
The beginning was hardest. Where once I had someone to at least help fold clothes at night while I loaded the dishwasher, I was now doing both. Then to add to the emotional drains that comes with separation and the stress of being alone, I didn't have energy. I also kept making the mistake of thinking that maybe I could still rely on this other person when he was over. All this did was create more stress and hurtful feelings between us. Things got ugly.
And then there is the stress of dating. (No judgements here, btw) I thought it would be easy to keep my personal life and my kids separate. I knew no matter who I dated, I didn't want them to be dad. My kids have a dad. And I wasn't going to parade a string of men through my house when I was raising two girls. (Ok, that sounds bad, but you know what I mean) But I have discovered I have a very hard time separating the mom from the woman. And there is the fact I AM NEVER AWAY FROM MY KIDS!!!!! There is no going to catch movies or going out to dinner. All dating almost always has to happen at my house. Where my kids are at. Remember the post I made about sex and kids? All that romantic stuff is a LOT more awkward when it is someone who has never dealt with kids. Hard to get all cuddly again when you have to go clean up your daughters pee. Him: Everything ok? Me: Ya, just had to get Ari cleaned up. That girl was COVERED in pee. Wanna cuddle? Him: o_O
But it hasn't been all bad. I have discovered who my amazingly awesome, real friends are. I think I acquired a wife who brings me alcohol and helps clean my house. I am kept well stock in yarn things, lip balm, and soap. I have a room mate who will watch the girls for me so I can still, part way, have a social life during the week. I have also discovered just how much I can do alone. I know that I have to rely on myself. And not it a bad way. But I know that if I want my girls to eat right, I will have to cook dinner before going to work, even though I know I will be cleaning up dinner when I get home from work. That I need to fold laundry everyday, before I can go to bed. If another stupid, POS, light bulb burns out, it is ok to grab the nearest soft object and beat it against the wall to get your frustration out. It doesn't sound like much, but my house has been relatively clean for the past week. And it has been all me. And yes, I still sometimes feel like having my break downs. There are days when I am so exhausted, I can't see straight. And those are the nights, I drink wine and call a friend. Because, even though I do everything else, no one should drink ever alone. :)
The beginning was hardest. Where once I had someone to at least help fold clothes at night while I loaded the dishwasher, I was now doing both. Then to add to the emotional drains that comes with separation and the stress of being alone, I didn't have energy. I also kept making the mistake of thinking that maybe I could still rely on this other person when he was over. All this did was create more stress and hurtful feelings between us. Things got ugly.
And then there is the stress of dating. (No judgements here, btw) I thought it would be easy to keep my personal life and my kids separate. I knew no matter who I dated, I didn't want them to be dad. My kids have a dad. And I wasn't going to parade a string of men through my house when I was raising two girls. (Ok, that sounds bad, but you know what I mean) But I have discovered I have a very hard time separating the mom from the woman. And there is the fact I AM NEVER AWAY FROM MY KIDS!!!!! There is no going to catch movies or going out to dinner. All dating almost always has to happen at my house. Where my kids are at. Remember the post I made about sex and kids? All that romantic stuff is a LOT more awkward when it is someone who has never dealt with kids. Hard to get all cuddly again when you have to go clean up your daughters pee. Him: Everything ok? Me: Ya, just had to get Ari cleaned up. That girl was COVERED in pee. Wanna cuddle? Him: o_O
But it hasn't been all bad. I have discovered who my amazingly awesome, real friends are. I think I acquired a wife who brings me alcohol and helps clean my house. I am kept well stock in yarn things, lip balm, and soap. I have a room mate who will watch the girls for me so I can still, part way, have a social life during the week. I have also discovered just how much I can do alone. I know that I have to rely on myself. And not it a bad way. But I know that if I want my girls to eat right, I will have to cook dinner before going to work, even though I know I will be cleaning up dinner when I get home from work. That I need to fold laundry everyday, before I can go to bed. If another stupid, POS, light bulb burns out, it is ok to grab the nearest soft object and beat it against the wall to get your frustration out. It doesn't sound like much, but my house has been relatively clean for the past week. And it has been all me. And yes, I still sometimes feel like having my break downs. There are days when I am so exhausted, I can't see straight. And those are the nights, I drink wine and call a friend. Because, even though I do everything else, no one should drink ever alone. :)
Friday, February 8, 2013
I'm not ok.
I've put off writing this or even saying anything about this for way to long. Every time I start, I feel people will only view me as some sort of attention whore. So instead, I keep it in. To not let anyone know, just how on the edge of destruction I really am. Because I am Tonya. I am the head of a social group. I throw parties and host game nights. I am a social butterfly. I have overcome abandonment, my parents dying, being abused, and being raised in the system. I was a diesel mechanic in the army and can work power tools. I am always complimented on how well I handle stressful situations and keep my cool. How could I possibly let anyone know just how sad I really am? Just how, at this point in my life, I am finding it so hard to cope with everything going on.
And logically I look at my life, and know that some people have it worse. How can I complain? I am a single mom, but the girl's dad is still very active in their lives. I have an excellent job, in which I am respected. The hours cater to my still wanting to be home with the girls and still get home at a decent time. My girls are well behaved (usually) I have a nice house in a nice neighborhood. Why am I depressed?
Because that is just the looking front that I put on. Michael and I are constantly fighting. There is so much anger and animosity between us, that the last 3 holidays have ended in huge screaming matches. Who has the girls and when has become and huge issue. He wants things to be fair, but he can't see that I am with the girls everyday. And that me going 12 straight days with them without a break is stressful and not fair. I love my job, but it barely pays the bills. This nice house cost me my whole months paycheck. And that is if I get all my hours. And then there is the sitter issue. Again I am facing losing my sitter. I am in mad panic to find someone else to start watching my girls so I can even continue working. And then the looming fact that come September, Ari will be in school full time. Do I really want to be heading to work, as she is getting out of school? Do I attempt to go full time, and put Kira in daycare. Can I even afford that, even working full time. I know I will have to move to something smaller. And through all this fincacial madness, I am still trying to save money to actually get divorced.
And then there is just that basic fact that I am lonely. So God Damn lonely. Of course, I have felt this way for years. Being in a marriage in which there was no deep, emotional connection has completely drained me on this front. That deep yearning for a connection with someone. To be with someone who gets you and is willing to step outside their comfort zone to understand you. For someone to understand my passions, dreams, and desires, and be willing to support them. Someone I can share my worries and my fears, and not make fun of them. To be with someone who understands, that there are times I need a friend who will hold me while I cry, more than I need them to be a man.
But of course, I am completely gun shy to such a relationship. The few times I have tried opening up to people, has only ended with my feelings being marginalized. I can't possibly believe there is anyone I can fully trust. So I keep my superficial relationships. I don't let people in. I post funny statuses, or even ones where I am mad, but try to stay away from anything too deep and meaningful. I push away the people who can get close. I sit here and pretend that I am ok. And if anyone asks, I whip out my smile and laugh. Of course I am fine. I am Tonya. What else am I allowed to be?
And logically I look at my life, and know that some people have it worse. How can I complain? I am a single mom, but the girl's dad is still very active in their lives. I have an excellent job, in which I am respected. The hours cater to my still wanting to be home with the girls and still get home at a decent time. My girls are well behaved (usually) I have a nice house in a nice neighborhood. Why am I depressed?
Because that is just the looking front that I put on. Michael and I are constantly fighting. There is so much anger and animosity between us, that the last 3 holidays have ended in huge screaming matches. Who has the girls and when has become and huge issue. He wants things to be fair, but he can't see that I am with the girls everyday. And that me going 12 straight days with them without a break is stressful and not fair. I love my job, but it barely pays the bills. This nice house cost me my whole months paycheck. And that is if I get all my hours. And then there is the sitter issue. Again I am facing losing my sitter. I am in mad panic to find someone else to start watching my girls so I can even continue working. And then the looming fact that come September, Ari will be in school full time. Do I really want to be heading to work, as she is getting out of school? Do I attempt to go full time, and put Kira in daycare. Can I even afford that, even working full time. I know I will have to move to something smaller. And through all this fincacial madness, I am still trying to save money to actually get divorced.
And then there is just that basic fact that I am lonely. So God Damn lonely. Of course, I have felt this way for years. Being in a marriage in which there was no deep, emotional connection has completely drained me on this front. That deep yearning for a connection with someone. To be with someone who gets you and is willing to step outside their comfort zone to understand you. For someone to understand my passions, dreams, and desires, and be willing to support them. Someone I can share my worries and my fears, and not make fun of them. To be with someone who understands, that there are times I need a friend who will hold me while I cry, more than I need them to be a man.
But of course, I am completely gun shy to such a relationship. The few times I have tried opening up to people, has only ended with my feelings being marginalized. I can't possibly believe there is anyone I can fully trust. So I keep my superficial relationships. I don't let people in. I post funny statuses, or even ones where I am mad, but try to stay away from anything too deep and meaningful. I push away the people who can get close. I sit here and pretend that I am ok. And if anyone asks, I whip out my smile and laugh. Of course I am fine. I am Tonya. What else am I allowed to be?
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