So, the past 8 months of my life have been a little more hectic than usual. And that is saying a lot from me, as my life is always hectic. But, 8 months ago I made the decision that I was sick of complaining about having a dead end job and no degree, and I was going to do something about it. At the time, I was full of ambition and energy and optimistic about my life.
Fast forward 8 months later, and I am so freaking tired I can't see straight. Even in the rare moments I have time to do things, I rarely have the energy. I know I have made post in the past about my house falling apart, but at this point, I wish my house looked like it did then, as that would be an improvement. And as far as my social life? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Dear god, what social life? I have had to cut out a lot of friend time with people, and have quit going out as much, which even cost me relationship, and it has made me just a cranky human being.
And the one thing I hear most people say is, "Just ask for help. I can help. Billy Bob can help you, just ask for help. Why don't you just ask for help?" And this has been a thing I have had a really, really hard time explaining. Why don't I just ask for help? Am I too proud and stubborn? Well, ya, I kinda am, I won't lie. But there is more to it, some underlying fears that make asking for, or even accepting help hard. So, I decided that I will make a list. Not only for the sake of those around me, but also it helps to finally put these thoughts down.
***Warning*** These are brutally honest reasons. Some may be upset by them and others may refuse to understand them. But that doesn't change that this is how I feel about this.
1.) My life is a disaster.
I have sticky stuff stuck to the floor. Cheerios are everywhere. I sometimes find dirty dishes from god only knows when in the rooms of the house, and that is the stuff that I am willing to admit. I am ashamed to have people over, even to help. And you can say all you want that it doesn't bug you, but it bugs me. I feel sick with just the thought of someone coming over and seeing my life like this. This isn't who I am, and to admit and show other people that it has gotten like this, is extremely hard and it would require that I absolutely trust you before I let you come over and see my life a wreck.
2.) I have to admit I can't do it all
My life has never been easy, and from a very young age, I had to learn to take on the world and all its responsibilities. The fact that I have found myself in a situation beyond my abilities to handle sucks. And to admit it sucks more. It makes me feel like less than who I am. That somehow, in accepting help, I am letting go of a piece of what defines me and everything I have ever stood up for.
3.) I don't really have time for you'.
So let's say I do accept your help, not only do I not have time to try to explain what I need done or where things go, I also can't hang out after. Yes, I know you just spent 2 hours helping me with yard work, but I still have laundry to do, a kitchen to clean, kids to feed, and then homework to do, so please just get the fuck out. I can't talk to you, I may really want to sit and talk and relax after you have done what you can, but my work isn't done. How am I supposed to accept help knowing that I am going to want to kick you out out the moment you are done. That seems rude and absolutely horrible in my book.
4.) I have to question your motives.
This is a bit hard for you guys to take, but it is the truth. I have to question the motives of the opposite sex. I would really like to think all guys offering me help is because they want to make the world a better place. I really would. But it isn't true. I know that I have had guys offer me help because they are really hoping that somehow they are "scoring points" so to say. That at some point, down the line, this is going to mean I am going to want date/sleep with them. And when you pair that with the above problem I have, that leaves some pissed off guys who feel I just "used them" (even though they offered the help, I never asked). And I know this isn't all of you, but it is a majority. And with just how crazy my life is, I just don't have time for that crap.
I have no idea what I need.
I honestly don't know how to accept help. I can't tell you what I need. I have no idea what I need. I only know I am having a mental breakdown and I have no idea where to start fixing it. I am also an OCD, control freak. I am going to want to direct every action you do while cleaning. I am going to worry if it is being done right. There is only 1 person who has had the ability to walk into my house and clean it like hers and I don't freak out. She doesn't ask what needs to be done, she just does it and makes go work on something else. I don't know how she does it, but she does. So unless she starts giving lessons, I don't know what to tell you when you ask what I need.
So, this is why I don't accept help. It may sound crazy in parts, and I am sure others can relate to others. And maybe it will also help you see just why some single moms seem to be glutton for punishments and this way you can, at least, know how to help them. :)
