Funny things in life make one want to write. For some, They have an intense, burning love that they have to express to another, and they use that as their muse. Others, it may be that beautiful, quiet walk in the woods that lets the words flow from their fingers to the keyboard. But for me, it is lying in bed with my calves hurting from dancing the night before that has inspired me to write.
Tonight I get my girls back. They have been gone for 3 weeks and, though I have enjoyed being a bum, I miss them and I am ready for cuddles and kisses from them. And on my last day of freedom I am looking around my house and seeing everything I didn't do and starting to panic.
As I would have 3 weeks without kids, I made myself an imaginary check list of things that I would get done. And guess what? I haven't really gotten any of it done. I was going to organize the basement and rearrange my room. Go through all the kids toys and make them all nice and neat while trashing the bad ones. Clean up around the bushes in front of the house. Pull all the grass growing in the driveway cracks. Weed the garden and actually put in trellises. Clean the gutters. And last, but certainly not least, clean up behind the stupid garage.
The knowledge that I didn't do any of those things is completely eating at me this morning. The voice in my head is going nuts. "See, you are completely irresponsible. And you expect to go back to school? You wasted all that time on a garden and you completely failed. You can't even keep up on the yard work. And you want to buy a house in the future. And what about working out? You didn't even attempt to work out. You are a failure at a mom. Couldn't even get your kids toys and supplies clean. You had 3 freaking weeks. God, you suck so much!!"
And so now I lay in bed, not wanting to get up. Because the guilt is there. For some reason I always feel guilty for something. My whole life is consumed by the guilt. The ghost of everything I never did or didn't do right. It weighs me down sometimes like iron chains, making me unable to move forward with my life. And I am sick of it.
I am trying to look at the above list and put positive spins on it. I did mostly weed the garden. And hey, I knew it was going to be a learning experience this year. I know exactly what I don't want to do next year. (That may be have a garden, so what?) And who cares if the basement is a clutter and my room is haphazardly put together? I am the only one to venture into either one.
So I am trying. Because even though maybe I do need to learn to be more responsible with my time, I can't let the guilt destroy me when I am not. Because that is even more damaging to my life. I have to get rid of the iron chains that drag me down. I just have to.
Sunday, July 20, 2014
Tuesday, June 25, 2013
The Paradox of Motherhood
I love my girls. I love them more than anything else in my life. I love them more than I loved my parents, my sisters, my friends, and my (now ex) husband.
And I also want to sell them off to the nearest band of roving gypsies and never see them.
Ahhh, the Paradox of Motherhood. We have all heard it. We love our kids, but can't wait to get away from them. But then we get away from them, and we miss them. But, to me, this only skims the surface of how I feel about my girls.
To me, my children are my paradox. Their very existence confounds me. How I love them confuses me.
I look at them and they amaze me. Those 2 girls are as different as night and day. But yet, I can watch them both, and see me in each of them. They fight like cats and dogs and I am constantly on them about sharing with each other. But when Ari was waking up from anesthesia, the first person she asked for was her sister. They don't listen worth a damn sometimes, and I am constantly feeling like I am only half a step ahead of a mental break down. But when I think about something happening to them, I break down in tears. Because just the mere thought of losing one them breaks my heart in a way I am sure I could never recover from
But I sometimes think of what my life would have been if I hadn't had them. How I could be free to stay out late on the weekends. To game till 2 in the morning while living off a diet of Mt. Dew and Pizza Rolls. How certain areas of my body wouldn't be sagging. I feel guilty about how I am 99.9% positive that if I could, I would tell my younger self to never have kids. I especially feel guilty when they are away for week at grandma's, that I kinda, really don't miss them.
I never wanted to be a mom. Most girls dream of their future husbands, their wedding day, and then being a mom. I didn't. In fact, when I drew my dream wedding dress in grade school, instead of a bouquet of flowers, I drew me holding a sword. Because I was going to be kicking ass, not getting married. Or maybe I was going to run my husband-to-be through. But either way, I wasn't going to be tied down to some man.
But I did. Because everyone said I should. And then everyone said that since we were married, we NEEDED to have kids. Don't listen to that nagging voice in your head that says you aren't really ready and maybe you aren't mom material. Because being a mom is the best joy there ever could be. The most rewarding job you will ever have.
(BTW, we really need to stop telling young people the above. WORST ADVICE EVER!!!)
Because not everyone is made to be mom. My roommate told me she knew that if I didn't already have kids, I wouldn't have kids. And she wasn't being mean. She was being honest. And she was right. I am not mom material. I am selfish and self absorbed. I am constantly telling other young woman not to have kids if they have doubts. Because seriously, having children really should be the one decision people shouldn't rush into!!!
And therein lies my paradox. Because the above statement is true. I am not mom material. My whole goal of the next 15 years of my life is to raise those two spawn of mine to be completely self reliant and able to move the hell out of my house when they are 18. I don't see me being teary eyed when they move out. I see me renting the U-Haul to take their crap so I can turn their room into a library/gaming room. (The way it was before I had them!!) But yet, I am a mom. And there are some people who say I am a pretty good mom. And I know that who I am today is because I am a mom. And not that being a mom identifies me by any means. But the last 6 years of my life have shaped me to be who I am now. And while I still struggle on whether or not I would change that if I could, I know that at this moment of my life, I love those girls with every ounce of my being. And I am completely looking forward to this weekend when I don't have to be around them. ;)
And I also want to sell them off to the nearest band of roving gypsies and never see them.
Ahhh, the Paradox of Motherhood. We have all heard it. We love our kids, but can't wait to get away from them. But then we get away from them, and we miss them. But, to me, this only skims the surface of how I feel about my girls.
To me, my children are my paradox. Their very existence confounds me. How I love them confuses me.
I look at them and they amaze me. Those 2 girls are as different as night and day. But yet, I can watch them both, and see me in each of them. They fight like cats and dogs and I am constantly on them about sharing with each other. But when Ari was waking up from anesthesia, the first person she asked for was her sister. They don't listen worth a damn sometimes, and I am constantly feeling like I am only half a step ahead of a mental break down. But when I think about something happening to them, I break down in tears. Because just the mere thought of losing one them breaks my heart in a way I am sure I could never recover from
But I sometimes think of what my life would have been if I hadn't had them. How I could be free to stay out late on the weekends. To game till 2 in the morning while living off a diet of Mt. Dew and Pizza Rolls. How certain areas of my body wouldn't be sagging. I feel guilty about how I am 99.9% positive that if I could, I would tell my younger self to never have kids. I especially feel guilty when they are away for week at grandma's, that I kinda, really don't miss them.
I never wanted to be a mom. Most girls dream of their future husbands, their wedding day, and then being a mom. I didn't. In fact, when I drew my dream wedding dress in grade school, instead of a bouquet of flowers, I drew me holding a sword. Because I was going to be kicking ass, not getting married. Or maybe I was going to run my husband-to-be through. But either way, I wasn't going to be tied down to some man.
But I did. Because everyone said I should. And then everyone said that since we were married, we NEEDED to have kids. Don't listen to that nagging voice in your head that says you aren't really ready and maybe you aren't mom material. Because being a mom is the best joy there ever could be. The most rewarding job you will ever have.
(BTW, we really need to stop telling young people the above. WORST ADVICE EVER!!!)
Because not everyone is made to be mom. My roommate told me she knew that if I didn't already have kids, I wouldn't have kids. And she wasn't being mean. She was being honest. And she was right. I am not mom material. I am selfish and self absorbed. I am constantly telling other young woman not to have kids if they have doubts. Because seriously, having children really should be the one decision people shouldn't rush into!!!
And therein lies my paradox. Because the above statement is true. I am not mom material. My whole goal of the next 15 years of my life is to raise those two spawn of mine to be completely self reliant and able to move the hell out of my house when they are 18. I don't see me being teary eyed when they move out. I see me renting the U-Haul to take their crap so I can turn their room into a library/gaming room. (The way it was before I had them!!) But yet, I am a mom. And there are some people who say I am a pretty good mom. And I know that who I am today is because I am a mom. And not that being a mom identifies me by any means. But the last 6 years of my life have shaped me to be who I am now. And while I still struggle on whether or not I would change that if I could, I know that at this moment of my life, I love those girls with every ounce of my being. And I am completely looking forward to this weekend when I don't have to be around them. ;)
Saturday, March 9, 2013
All by myself....
I am a single mom and it sucks. You do everything alone. You cook, alone. You clean, alone. You clean up pee and vomit in the middle of the night, alone. Michael hasn't lived here for 8 months now. And in that time I have had mental break downs over the stupid, $%&&*,^^$#%#^,&*$$%@,$^%#%$,&%^*$,^&*%^#$,%@%$ light bulbs blowing out. I have created the leaning tower of laundry baskets because I went over a week without folding clothes. I have fed my children dinner out of measuring cups, because I hadn't done dishes in a couple days. And did I mention the light bulbs?
The beginning was hardest. Where once I had someone to at least help fold clothes at night while I loaded the dishwasher, I was now doing both. Then to add to the emotional drains that comes with separation and the stress of being alone, I didn't have energy. I also kept making the mistake of thinking that maybe I could still rely on this other person when he was over. All this did was create more stress and hurtful feelings between us. Things got ugly.
And then there is the stress of dating. (No judgements here, btw) I thought it would be easy to keep my personal life and my kids separate. I knew no matter who I dated, I didn't want them to be dad. My kids have a dad. And I wasn't going to parade a string of men through my house when I was raising two girls. (Ok, that sounds bad, but you know what I mean) But I have discovered I have a very hard time separating the mom from the woman. And there is the fact I AM NEVER AWAY FROM MY KIDS!!!!! There is no going to catch movies or going out to dinner. All dating almost always has to happen at my house. Where my kids are at. Remember the post I made about sex and kids? All that romantic stuff is a LOT more awkward when it is someone who has never dealt with kids. Hard to get all cuddly again when you have to go clean up your daughters pee. Him: Everything ok? Me: Ya, just had to get Ari cleaned up. That girl was COVERED in pee. Wanna cuddle? Him: o_O
But it hasn't been all bad. I have discovered who my amazingly awesome, real friends are. I think I acquired a wife who brings me alcohol and helps clean my house. I am kept well stock in yarn things, lip balm, and soap. I have a room mate who will watch the girls for me so I can still, part way, have a social life during the week. I have also discovered just how much I can do alone. I know that I have to rely on myself. And not it a bad way. But I know that if I want my girls to eat right, I will have to cook dinner before going to work, even though I know I will be cleaning up dinner when I get home from work. That I need to fold laundry everyday, before I can go to bed. If another stupid, POS, light bulb burns out, it is ok to grab the nearest soft object and beat it against the wall to get your frustration out. It doesn't sound like much, but my house has been relatively clean for the past week. And it has been all me. And yes, I still sometimes feel like having my break downs. There are days when I am so exhausted, I can't see straight. And those are the nights, I drink wine and call a friend. Because, even though I do everything else, no one should drink ever alone. :)
The beginning was hardest. Where once I had someone to at least help fold clothes at night while I loaded the dishwasher, I was now doing both. Then to add to the emotional drains that comes with separation and the stress of being alone, I didn't have energy. I also kept making the mistake of thinking that maybe I could still rely on this other person when he was over. All this did was create more stress and hurtful feelings between us. Things got ugly.
And then there is the stress of dating. (No judgements here, btw) I thought it would be easy to keep my personal life and my kids separate. I knew no matter who I dated, I didn't want them to be dad. My kids have a dad. And I wasn't going to parade a string of men through my house when I was raising two girls. (Ok, that sounds bad, but you know what I mean) But I have discovered I have a very hard time separating the mom from the woman. And there is the fact I AM NEVER AWAY FROM MY KIDS!!!!! There is no going to catch movies or going out to dinner. All dating almost always has to happen at my house. Where my kids are at. Remember the post I made about sex and kids? All that romantic stuff is a LOT more awkward when it is someone who has never dealt with kids. Hard to get all cuddly again when you have to go clean up your daughters pee. Him: Everything ok? Me: Ya, just had to get Ari cleaned up. That girl was COVERED in pee. Wanna cuddle? Him: o_O
But it hasn't been all bad. I have discovered who my amazingly awesome, real friends are. I think I acquired a wife who brings me alcohol and helps clean my house. I am kept well stock in yarn things, lip balm, and soap. I have a room mate who will watch the girls for me so I can still, part way, have a social life during the week. I have also discovered just how much I can do alone. I know that I have to rely on myself. And not it a bad way. But I know that if I want my girls to eat right, I will have to cook dinner before going to work, even though I know I will be cleaning up dinner when I get home from work. That I need to fold laundry everyday, before I can go to bed. If another stupid, POS, light bulb burns out, it is ok to grab the nearest soft object and beat it against the wall to get your frustration out. It doesn't sound like much, but my house has been relatively clean for the past week. And it has been all me. And yes, I still sometimes feel like having my break downs. There are days when I am so exhausted, I can't see straight. And those are the nights, I drink wine and call a friend. Because, even though I do everything else, no one should drink ever alone. :)
Friday, February 8, 2013
I'm not ok.
I've put off writing this or even saying anything about this for way to long. Every time I start, I feel people will only view me as some sort of attention whore. So instead, I keep it in. To not let anyone know, just how on the edge of destruction I really am. Because I am Tonya. I am the head of a social group. I throw parties and host game nights. I am a social butterfly. I have overcome abandonment, my parents dying, being abused, and being raised in the system. I was a diesel mechanic in the army and can work power tools. I am always complimented on how well I handle stressful situations and keep my cool. How could I possibly let anyone know just how sad I really am? Just how, at this point in my life, I am finding it so hard to cope with everything going on.
And logically I look at my life, and know that some people have it worse. How can I complain? I am a single mom, but the girl's dad is still very active in their lives. I have an excellent job, in which I am respected. The hours cater to my still wanting to be home with the girls and still get home at a decent time. My girls are well behaved (usually) I have a nice house in a nice neighborhood. Why am I depressed?
Because that is just the looking front that I put on. Michael and I are constantly fighting. There is so much anger and animosity between us, that the last 3 holidays have ended in huge screaming matches. Who has the girls and when has become and huge issue. He wants things to be fair, but he can't see that I am with the girls everyday. And that me going 12 straight days with them without a break is stressful and not fair. I love my job, but it barely pays the bills. This nice house cost me my whole months paycheck. And that is if I get all my hours. And then there is the sitter issue. Again I am facing losing my sitter. I am in mad panic to find someone else to start watching my girls so I can even continue working. And then the looming fact that come September, Ari will be in school full time. Do I really want to be heading to work, as she is getting out of school? Do I attempt to go full time, and put Kira in daycare. Can I even afford that, even working full time. I know I will have to move to something smaller. And through all this fincacial madness, I am still trying to save money to actually get divorced.
And then there is just that basic fact that I am lonely. So God Damn lonely. Of course, I have felt this way for years. Being in a marriage in which there was no deep, emotional connection has completely drained me on this front. That deep yearning for a connection with someone. To be with someone who gets you and is willing to step outside their comfort zone to understand you. For someone to understand my passions, dreams, and desires, and be willing to support them. Someone I can share my worries and my fears, and not make fun of them. To be with someone who understands, that there are times I need a friend who will hold me while I cry, more than I need them to be a man.
But of course, I am completely gun shy to such a relationship. The few times I have tried opening up to people, has only ended with my feelings being marginalized. I can't possibly believe there is anyone I can fully trust. So I keep my superficial relationships. I don't let people in. I post funny statuses, or even ones where I am mad, but try to stay away from anything too deep and meaningful. I push away the people who can get close. I sit here and pretend that I am ok. And if anyone asks, I whip out my smile and laugh. Of course I am fine. I am Tonya. What else am I allowed to be?
And logically I look at my life, and know that some people have it worse. How can I complain? I am a single mom, but the girl's dad is still very active in their lives. I have an excellent job, in which I am respected. The hours cater to my still wanting to be home with the girls and still get home at a decent time. My girls are well behaved (usually) I have a nice house in a nice neighborhood. Why am I depressed?
Because that is just the looking front that I put on. Michael and I are constantly fighting. There is so much anger and animosity between us, that the last 3 holidays have ended in huge screaming matches. Who has the girls and when has become and huge issue. He wants things to be fair, but he can't see that I am with the girls everyday. And that me going 12 straight days with them without a break is stressful and not fair. I love my job, but it barely pays the bills. This nice house cost me my whole months paycheck. And that is if I get all my hours. And then there is the sitter issue. Again I am facing losing my sitter. I am in mad panic to find someone else to start watching my girls so I can even continue working. And then the looming fact that come September, Ari will be in school full time. Do I really want to be heading to work, as she is getting out of school? Do I attempt to go full time, and put Kira in daycare. Can I even afford that, even working full time. I know I will have to move to something smaller. And through all this fincacial madness, I am still trying to save money to actually get divorced.
And then there is just that basic fact that I am lonely. So God Damn lonely. Of course, I have felt this way for years. Being in a marriage in which there was no deep, emotional connection has completely drained me on this front. That deep yearning for a connection with someone. To be with someone who gets you and is willing to step outside their comfort zone to understand you. For someone to understand my passions, dreams, and desires, and be willing to support them. Someone I can share my worries and my fears, and not make fun of them. To be with someone who understands, that there are times I need a friend who will hold me while I cry, more than I need them to be a man.
But of course, I am completely gun shy to such a relationship. The few times I have tried opening up to people, has only ended with my feelings being marginalized. I can't possibly believe there is anyone I can fully trust. So I keep my superficial relationships. I don't let people in. I post funny statuses, or even ones where I am mad, but try to stay away from anything too deep and meaningful. I push away the people who can get close. I sit here and pretend that I am ok. And if anyone asks, I whip out my smile and laugh. Of course I am fine. I am Tonya. What else am I allowed to be?
Sunday, July 15, 2012
Now we're thinking in Portals
Yes, this is a repeat from my notes from 2 years ago. But been talking gaming lately, and thought it was appropriate.
Congratulations!!! You are in love with a unique breed. One who can sit endlessly looking at a screen and never seem to move but gets pure enjoyment out of the experience. This is great. As long as you don't mess with the gaming system area you can do whatever you want with the house, go out with friends, and have plenty of personal space. Now the bad news. You are in love with someone who can sit endlessly looking at a screen and never seem to move...
Anyhoo, I decided I wanted to write a few facts when it comes to you, the girlfriend/boyfriend of a gamer. Now I am a woman who married a non gamer. I find it funny listening to my friends complain about their gaming husbands because it sounds a lot like my hubby complaining about me. And of course, my husbands co workers thinks he is the luckiest man alive being married to gamer. I listen to them complain about what their wives nag about and it sounds a lot like me complaining about my hubby. So below are a list of things that you will just have to come to accept. It has nothing to do with being a man/woman. It is all about the game
1. Before we met you, Saturday was reserved for nothing but gaming. This has been our life style for God knows how long. We realize that we need to spend time together but don't expect us to be happy going antiquing/shopping/going for a walk at the park. We go because we love you, not because we want to. We will NEVER want to.
2. Since we are doing things we hate for you could you please let us have a couple Saturdays to sit and melt our brains? I mean, really? Is is so much to ask for you to leave us alone one day a week. You don't have to leave the house but just don't bug us that day, or give us the evil eye for sitting around doing nothing. (Yes we hear you say it's ok but your tone and your facial expression say much different)
3. We keep different hours than you. Staying up till 2, 3, 4 in the morning is normal for us. (And if we have spent the day at that art gallery you really wanted to go to, you forfeit your evening with us anyway, so pick one)
4. Just because you decide today is a great day to deep clean the house doesn't mean we agree. Here we are, minding our own business, playing that new COD and you bust out the mop bucket and dusters. Sorry hon. Doesn't work like that. We will keep on playing and you are just going to get pissy. But that is not our problem. YOU decided that ceiling fan was looking dingy, not us. Wait, we have a ceiling fan?
5. If we have a controller in our hands, don't talk to us. We may respond but we have no clue what you are saying nor do we care. Don't ask us where the new bookshelf should go, if the food you cooked taste good, when we should go see your mother. Just walk away. We are not listening.
6. Want to spend time with us. Pick a game you can play with us. For my husband and I, it's Mario Cart. I get to game, he gets quality time with me. Everyone is happy. Well almost....
7. Don't expect us to let you win. We play to win. That's why we game. Just because you and I swore before God to hold and cherish each other forever or had children together does not mean we have to let you win. Get over it. I know for a fact I will never be asked over to some of my friends house because I am "too competitive" I don't care either. I won. That's all that matters. And when we do win, we talk smack. We will rub your nose in it. We expect the same from you if you (ever) win.
8. Someday we may have children and realize that we will have to give up some of my gaming ways. I know this as a mom of a 4 year old and an 18 month old. I don't game NEARLY as much as I used to. I accept this. But if you really love us, buy us Halo Reach, then offer to take the kiddos out for awhile. We promise to return the favor.
9. BUT accept the moment that child is old enough to hold a controller it will be our life goal to turn him/her into a gamer. That way, quality time with the kids revolves around the almighty PS3.
10. And although we may not beat the kids as we beat you at games we won't just let the kids win either. I mean, how else do they know they need to get better. Besides, any child of mine better be giving me a run for my money before they are in kindergarten. If my child can't game...well we won't even go there.
So here you are. This is just the facts of life when you decide to love a gamer. You can't change them. Most of us have been gaming since before we could write our name. So next time that gamer is getting you down, take a deep breath, look over this list, and go buy that $100 dress you have been wanting. We probably won't even notice. (And your nagging is drowning out the screams of the dying in God of War, so just get out)
Congratulations!!! You are in love with a unique breed. One who can sit endlessly looking at a screen and never seem to move but gets pure enjoyment out of the experience. This is great. As long as you don't mess with the gaming system area you can do whatever you want with the house, go out with friends, and have plenty of personal space. Now the bad news. You are in love with someone who can sit endlessly looking at a screen and never seem to move...
Anyhoo, I decided I wanted to write a few facts when it comes to you, the girlfriend/boyfriend of a gamer. Now I am a woman who married a non gamer. I find it funny listening to my friends complain about their gaming husbands because it sounds a lot like my hubby complaining about me. And of course, my husbands co workers thinks he is the luckiest man alive being married to gamer. I listen to them complain about what their wives nag about and it sounds a lot like me complaining about my hubby. So below are a list of things that you will just have to come to accept. It has nothing to do with being a man/woman. It is all about the game
1. Before we met you, Saturday was reserved for nothing but gaming. This has been our life style for God knows how long. We realize that we need to spend time together but don't expect us to be happy going antiquing/shopping/going for a walk at the park. We go because we love you, not because we want to. We will NEVER want to.
2. Since we are doing things we hate for you could you please let us have a couple Saturdays to sit and melt our brains? I mean, really? Is is so much to ask for you to leave us alone one day a week. You don't have to leave the house but just don't bug us that day, or give us the evil eye for sitting around doing nothing. (Yes we hear you say it's ok but your tone and your facial expression say much different)
3. We keep different hours than you. Staying up till 2, 3, 4 in the morning is normal for us. (And if we have spent the day at that art gallery you really wanted to go to, you forfeit your evening with us anyway, so pick one)
4. Just because you decide today is a great day to deep clean the house doesn't mean we agree. Here we are, minding our own business, playing that new COD and you bust out the mop bucket and dusters. Sorry hon. Doesn't work like that. We will keep on playing and you are just going to get pissy. But that is not our problem. YOU decided that ceiling fan was looking dingy, not us. Wait, we have a ceiling fan?
5. If we have a controller in our hands, don't talk to us. We may respond but we have no clue what you are saying nor do we care. Don't ask us where the new bookshelf should go, if the food you cooked taste good, when we should go see your mother. Just walk away. We are not listening.
6. Want to spend time with us. Pick a game you can play with us. For my husband and I, it's Mario Cart. I get to game, he gets quality time with me. Everyone is happy. Well almost....
7. Don't expect us to let you win. We play to win. That's why we game. Just because you and I swore before God to hold and cherish each other forever or had children together does not mean we have to let you win. Get over it. I know for a fact I will never be asked over to some of my friends house because I am "too competitive" I don't care either. I won. That's all that matters. And when we do win, we talk smack. We will rub your nose in it. We expect the same from you if you (ever) win.
8. Someday we may have children and realize that we will have to give up some of my gaming ways. I know this as a mom of a 4 year old and an 18 month old. I don't game NEARLY as much as I used to. I accept this. But if you really love us, buy us Halo Reach, then offer to take the kiddos out for awhile. We promise to return the favor.
9. BUT accept the moment that child is old enough to hold a controller it will be our life goal to turn him/her into a gamer. That way, quality time with the kids revolves around the almighty PS3.
10. And although we may not beat the kids as we beat you at games we won't just let the kids win either. I mean, how else do they know they need to get better. Besides, any child of mine better be giving me a run for my money before they are in kindergarten. If my child can't game...well we won't even go there.
So here you are. This is just the facts of life when you decide to love a gamer. You can't change them. Most of us have been gaming since before we could write our name. So next time that gamer is getting you down, take a deep breath, look over this list, and go buy that $100 dress you have been wanting. We probably won't even notice. (And your nagging is drowning out the screams of the dying in God of War, so just get out)
Monday, May 14, 2012
Who I am today
This isn't one of my funny blog post today. This one is serious. I have been holding off in writing it till I thought it would be a good time, but there is never a good time. I have a secret. A secret that I am scared is going to cause me lose so many people that I love and care about. But I know some of my post have been seen and I think it only fair you hear it from me. I don't believe in God. It's plain and simple. I have spent 28 years praying, worshiping, and serving a God that doesn't seem to exist. And when I decided to really get down and read the bible, it just seemed to convince me more that there can't be a God. What caused me down this road? A lot of things. But a big one is my relationship with Michael. I guess that is another secret. Michael and I are technically separated, though we still live together. The only reason we aren't divorced is our financial situation, my work schedule, and the girls. For years I have been the good Christian housewife and mother. And what did it get it me? Nothing, except an empty relationship with a man who doesn't truly care about me. So where do we go from here? I have no freakin clue truthfully. I love each and one of you on my FB. But, I know how deep some of your beliefs are. And I am afraid some of you won't want to accept me or love me the same. And that terrifies and scares me, but at the same time, I can't deny how I feel or believe. So I will have to wait and see how you all react. I do ask that this not become a flame or hate war. I will understand if you unfriend me. I do believe that people should be able to believe what they want, even if I don't agree with you. You are all my friends, and I hope that our friendships will survive this. Thank you for listening to me.
Sunday, May 13, 2012
How motherhood has changed me.
I have never been much of a Susie homemaker kinda girl. Instead of an easy bake oven as a little girl, I had Dinosaur Mountain. My idea of gourmet cooking while single was hamburger helper. After I got together with Michael, our 2nd Christmas together HE got the really fancy pots and pan set and I got a Craftsman toolkit. But motherhood has changed this.
1. I actually want to go to a kitchen gadget store AND I know what most of the things do. Before I just assumed everything was torture devices you used on your husband when he pissed you off while cooking.
2. I have a wish list of kitchen items including but not limited to muffin tin set (yes, I need more than one), some sort of carrier for my cake and cup cakes, and different containers the different flours that I use. I think the fact I have different flours makes me cry the most.
3.I make things from scratch. And I mean from scratch. Pumpkin pies with fresh pumpkin, real sweet potato casserole. Hell,I even bake my own bread. And if anyone ever tells me you can't tell the difference, or worse, says store bought is better, remember, I am now very talented with large kitchen knives.
4. I used to have to call Michael at work if I was (attempting) to cook because I had no freakin clue where anything was. Now, not only do I know where everything is, I become very pissy when I go to reach for things and they are not where they should be. I guess I should tell him to read the last sentence of number 3 next time he puts something away wrong.
5. I don't use recipes anymore. I now look at a recipe, decide I don't agree with most of the ingredients, and make it my own way. Because, when you rock the kitchen like this mom does, you don't need a recipe.
1. I actually want to go to a kitchen gadget store AND I know what most of the things do. Before I just assumed everything was torture devices you used on your husband when he pissed you off while cooking.
2. I have a wish list of kitchen items including but not limited to muffin tin set (yes, I need more than one), some sort of carrier for my cake and cup cakes, and different containers the different flours that I use. I think the fact I have different flours makes me cry the most.
3.I make things from scratch. And I mean from scratch. Pumpkin pies with fresh pumpkin, real sweet potato casserole. Hell,I even bake my own bread. And if anyone ever tells me you can't tell the difference, or worse, says store bought is better, remember, I am now very talented with large kitchen knives.
4. I used to have to call Michael at work if I was (attempting) to cook because I had no freakin clue where anything was. Now, not only do I know where everything is, I become very pissy when I go to reach for things and they are not where they should be. I guess I should tell him to read the last sentence of number 3 next time he puts something away wrong.
5. I don't use recipes anymore. I now look at a recipe, decide I don't agree with most of the ingredients, and make it my own way. Because, when you rock the kitchen like this mom does, you don't need a recipe.
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