Monday, May 14, 2012
Who I am today
This isn't one of my funny blog post today. This one is serious. I have been holding off in writing it till I thought it would be a good time, but there is never a good time. I have a secret. A secret that I am scared is going to cause me lose so many people that I love and care about. But I know some of my post have been seen and I think it only fair you hear it from me. I don't believe in God. It's plain and simple. I have spent 28 years praying, worshiping, and serving a God that doesn't seem to exist. And when I decided to really get down and read the bible, it just seemed to convince me more that there can't be a God. What caused me down this road? A lot of things. But a big one is my relationship with Michael. I guess that is another secret. Michael and I are technically separated, though we still live together. The only reason we aren't divorced is our financial situation, my work schedule, and the girls. For years I have been the good Christian housewife and mother. And what did it get it me? Nothing, except an empty relationship with a man who doesn't truly care about me. So where do we go from here? I have no freakin clue truthfully. I love each and one of you on my FB. But, I know how deep some of your beliefs are. And I am afraid some of you won't want to accept me or love me the same. And that terrifies and scares me, but at the same time, I can't deny how I feel or believe. So I will have to wait and see how you all react. I do ask that this not become a flame or hate war. I will understand if you unfriend me. I do believe that people should be able to believe what they want, even if I don't agree with you. You are all my friends, and I hope that our friendships will survive this. Thank you for listening to me.
Sunday, May 13, 2012
How motherhood has changed me.
I have never been much of a Susie homemaker kinda girl. Instead of an easy bake oven as a little girl, I had Dinosaur Mountain. My idea of gourmet cooking while single was hamburger helper. After I got together with Michael, our 2nd Christmas together HE got the really fancy pots and pan set and I got a Craftsman toolkit. But motherhood has changed this.
1. I actually want to go to a kitchen gadget store AND I know what most of the things do. Before I just assumed everything was torture devices you used on your husband when he pissed you off while cooking.
2. I have a wish list of kitchen items including but not limited to muffin tin set (yes, I need more than one), some sort of carrier for my cake and cup cakes, and different containers the different flours that I use. I think the fact I have different flours makes me cry the most.
3.I make things from scratch. And I mean from scratch. Pumpkin pies with fresh pumpkin, real sweet potato casserole. Hell,I even bake my own bread. And if anyone ever tells me you can't tell the difference, or worse, says store bought is better, remember, I am now very talented with large kitchen knives.
4. I used to have to call Michael at work if I was (attempting) to cook because I had no freakin clue where anything was. Now, not only do I know where everything is, I become very pissy when I go to reach for things and they are not where they should be. I guess I should tell him to read the last sentence of number 3 next time he puts something away wrong.
5. I don't use recipes anymore. I now look at a recipe, decide I don't agree with most of the ingredients, and make it my own way. Because, when you rock the kitchen like this mom does, you don't need a recipe.
1. I actually want to go to a kitchen gadget store AND I know what most of the things do. Before I just assumed everything was torture devices you used on your husband when he pissed you off while cooking.
2. I have a wish list of kitchen items including but not limited to muffin tin set (yes, I need more than one), some sort of carrier for my cake and cup cakes, and different containers the different flours that I use. I think the fact I have different flours makes me cry the most.
3.I make things from scratch. And I mean from scratch. Pumpkin pies with fresh pumpkin, real sweet potato casserole. Hell,I even bake my own bread. And if anyone ever tells me you can't tell the difference, or worse, says store bought is better, remember, I am now very talented with large kitchen knives.
4. I used to have to call Michael at work if I was (attempting) to cook because I had no freakin clue where anything was. Now, not only do I know where everything is, I become very pissy when I go to reach for things and they are not where they should be. I guess I should tell him to read the last sentence of number 3 next time he puts something away wrong.
5. I don't use recipes anymore. I now look at a recipe, decide I don't agree with most of the ingredients, and make it my own way. Because, when you rock the kitchen like this mom does, you don't need a recipe.
Thursday, November 10, 2011
Heart stopping moment.
First a warning. I know when people tell me scary, horrible things that have happened to their kids it freaks me out. I will think of it happening to my girls and I can't stop till I become a paranoid freak. If this is you, please don't read this.
Anyone with kids knows how much they love wearing their parents things. This is especially true of little girls with their mother's clothes. Ari is no exception. She loves my shoes, dresses, shirts. Even my bras. Her latest article of mine is my black scarf. It is a scarf fit for a princess. It is sheer and gauzy with fringe at the end. And it is long. So very, very long. Today we were heading over to a friends house. She asked if she could wear it. I saw no problem with this. Told her to be careful on the stairs as it was trailing on the floor and I didn't want her to slip. Also we had the car today, not the van. We start getting loaded into the car. Ari has finally reached the age where she can not only buckle herself in, but she can shut the car door also. So she does her thing while I get Kira in. I look over and see that she is buckled up and away we go.
So get over to our friends house and I go to pull up to the curb. I pull to far forward and I start to reverse. Next thing I hear is Ari crying in the back seat. I look back and ask her what's wrong "It's pulling on me." It looks as though she is pointing to the seat belt. I figure the locking mechanism got activated and start to reverse some more. Now I hear an even louder scream. I look back and she is bent sideways sobbing. There is nothing but fear in her eyes. My mom instincts kick in. I immediately stop, put on the parking break. I don't even put it in neutral, just let my foot off the clutch. I jump out of the car (which is still sticking out into the street) and run around to Ari's side. Before I open the door I see it. I see that beautiful scarf she is in love with. The one wrapped around her neck. I see it starting to get wrapped into the wheel well of the back tire. My heart stopped. I threw open the door, and pulled it off of her and the tire. I grabbed her and just held her there. She was crying so hard. I just sat there holding her. All I was imagining that in the 5 mile drive there, what if it had gotten tangled sooner. When I was going 35 miles an hour and not just a couple inches. What if, what if, what if....
We are home now. She is happily eating a hotdog and watching Fern Gully. I just keep looking at her. She doesn't even know that I almost lost her today. There is a horrible looking red mark around her neck from the scarf. That scarf. It is sitting on the floor boards of the car. I told her she wasn't allowed to wear it anymore. I will probably throw it away. I don't think I can ever wear it again. Hell, might even burn it in the fire place. *sigh* what if...
Anyone with kids knows how much they love wearing their parents things. This is especially true of little girls with their mother's clothes. Ari is no exception. She loves my shoes, dresses, shirts. Even my bras. Her latest article of mine is my black scarf. It is a scarf fit for a princess. It is sheer and gauzy with fringe at the end. And it is long. So very, very long. Today we were heading over to a friends house. She asked if she could wear it. I saw no problem with this. Told her to be careful on the stairs as it was trailing on the floor and I didn't want her to slip. Also we had the car today, not the van. We start getting loaded into the car. Ari has finally reached the age where she can not only buckle herself in, but she can shut the car door also. So she does her thing while I get Kira in. I look over and see that she is buckled up and away we go.
So get over to our friends house and I go to pull up to the curb. I pull to far forward and I start to reverse. Next thing I hear is Ari crying in the back seat. I look back and ask her what's wrong "It's pulling on me." It looks as though she is pointing to the seat belt. I figure the locking mechanism got activated and start to reverse some more. Now I hear an even louder scream. I look back and she is bent sideways sobbing. There is nothing but fear in her eyes. My mom instincts kick in. I immediately stop, put on the parking break. I don't even put it in neutral, just let my foot off the clutch. I jump out of the car (which is still sticking out into the street) and run around to Ari's side. Before I open the door I see it. I see that beautiful scarf she is in love with. The one wrapped around her neck. I see it starting to get wrapped into the wheel well of the back tire. My heart stopped. I threw open the door, and pulled it off of her and the tire. I grabbed her and just held her there. She was crying so hard. I just sat there holding her. All I was imagining that in the 5 mile drive there, what if it had gotten tangled sooner. When I was going 35 miles an hour and not just a couple inches. What if, what if, what if....
We are home now. She is happily eating a hotdog and watching Fern Gully. I just keep looking at her. She doesn't even know that I almost lost her today. There is a horrible looking red mark around her neck from the scarf. That scarf. It is sitting on the floor boards of the car. I told her she wasn't allowed to wear it anymore. I will probably throw it away. I don't think I can ever wear it again. Hell, might even burn it in the fire place. *sigh* what if...
Sunday, November 6, 2011
Why I don't wanna live on this planet anymore
The current generation of youth scare the hell out of me. And I think when they get old enough to actually be in charge of things, I may just kill myself. Here are my top 10 reasons why.
1. They think Justin Bieber is actually a good musician (this alone is enough to make me weep each night for the fate of the world)
2. That when asked a very important question through email, text, or FB you get the resulting IDK LOL!!! as an answer...
3. That young girls think that acting obnoxiously stupid is an attractive quality, and that it actually is, is very, very scary and sad.
4. That their relationship status changes at least once a week, and it always is either "I am so in love!!!!" or "My heart is broken but I won't become hard to this world"
5. They can't spell even simple words. And when this is pointed out to them they laugh it off (please refer to item number 3. This seems to explain it)
6. They all seem to think that they have the worst lives that ever existed and that no body has ever suffered like they have. Usually this is announced when something happens along the lines of "Got in trouble for not doing something I was suppose to" "Phone broke" "I was completely irresponsible and stupid but I still don't see why I have I have to suffer the consequences for it"
7. They have an obsession with name brand things. They will complain they are broke, poor, and can't pay their bills but then will proudly show off one item that probably cost more than my electric bill, just because it is a certain brand.
8. They show no interest in learning about things older than them. They have the entire internet at their finger tips, but when you reference something from before they are born, they say something along the lines of "Well how am I suppose to know that, I wasn't born yet"
9. They will add "LOL" to the end of the last statement.
10. Each and every young person I know that reads this will assume I am talking specifically about them. But instead of maybe taking some of it to heart, they will become extremely offended and think I am a horrible mean hearted person.
1. They think Justin Bieber is actually a good musician (this alone is enough to make me weep each night for the fate of the world)
2. That when asked a very important question through email, text, or FB you get the resulting IDK LOL!!! as an answer...
3. That young girls think that acting obnoxiously stupid is an attractive quality, and that it actually is, is very, very scary and sad.
4. That their relationship status changes at least once a week, and it always is either "I am so in love!!!!" or "My heart is broken but I won't become hard to this world"
5. They can't spell even simple words. And when this is pointed out to them they laugh it off (please refer to item number 3. This seems to explain it)
6. They all seem to think that they have the worst lives that ever existed and that no body has ever suffered like they have. Usually this is announced when something happens along the lines of "Got in trouble for not doing something I was suppose to" "Phone broke" "I was completely irresponsible and stupid but I still don't see why I have I have to suffer the consequences for it"
7. They have an obsession with name brand things. They will complain they are broke, poor, and can't pay their bills but then will proudly show off one item that probably cost more than my electric bill, just because it is a certain brand.
8. They show no interest in learning about things older than them. They have the entire internet at their finger tips, but when you reference something from before they are born, they say something along the lines of "Well how am I suppose to know that, I wasn't born yet"
9. They will add "LOL" to the end of the last statement.
10. Each and every young person I know that reads this will assume I am talking specifically about them. But instead of maybe taking some of it to heart, they will become extremely offended and think I am a horrible mean hearted person.
Sunday, August 14, 2011
10 signs you are married to a nerd
For an upcoming post I am working on. And all these things do apply to me!!
1. They think saying "Engage" when you ask if they are ready to go is the best joke ever.
2. They get really excited when they hear someone talking about "The Doctor" then get really disappointed when they realize you are actually talking about a real medical doctor.
3. The word Ferengi has come up in bed...multiple times.
4. They own more gaming systems than kitchen appliances.
5. The release of a new book by their favorite author causes them to hyperventilate. (Only if it is Scifi/fantasy of course)
6. They are convinced their baby just said something in Klingon. (for me I swore Kira said "Kapla")
7. Final Fantasy anything, and I mean anything, is the best gift ever!!!
8. They think baby's heartbeat in the womb sounds like a warp core.
9. They have used the phrase "I want to run a level three diagnostic" to get you in the mood.
10. They swore that the shower head sounded just like the Tardis and spent the rest of the day looking for a blue police box.
1. They think saying "Engage" when you ask if they are ready to go is the best joke ever.
2. They get really excited when they hear someone talking about "The Doctor" then get really disappointed when they realize you are actually talking about a real medical doctor.
3. The word Ferengi has come up in bed...multiple times.
4. They own more gaming systems than kitchen appliances.
5. The release of a new book by their favorite author causes them to hyperventilate. (Only if it is Scifi/fantasy of course)
6. They are convinced their baby just said something in Klingon. (for me I swore Kira said "Kapla")
7. Final Fantasy anything, and I mean anything, is the best gift ever!!!
8. They think baby's heartbeat in the womb sounds like a warp core.
9. They have used the phrase "I want to run a level three diagnostic" to get you in the mood.
10. They swore that the shower head sounded just like the Tardis and spent the rest of the day looking for a blue police box.
Saturday, August 13, 2011
Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes
Life is all about change. Change is inevitable. And for the most part, I like change. But change also disrupts your life. Especially when you have small children. This last month has been full of change. We started small. We wanted to move Ari into a big girl bed so we could have the crib for Kira. Well, instead of a simple bed, I found bunk beds for the same price. Long term, I saw this as a good investment. Well. after getting the bunk beds, I realized that after you put a set of bunk beds up and the crib in the girls room, there was no room left for toys. Long story short, Michael and I now have our bedroom in the family room downstairs, our old room is the play room/guest bedroom, and Kira still sleeps in the pac n play but at least in the separate room in the basement.
And now the big change. Pre-school. No, we aren't enrolling. We just don't have the money at this point. No I am going to home school. Unfortunately this means I have to change a lot of our daily habits. Big one is me getting up in the morning. Usually I don't have to roll our of bed till around 8:30 (I know, so spoiled) and I don't go to bed till midnight. Then we poke around all morning and get nothing done. This is not going to fly. I need a schedule. I hate that word by the way. So starting next week I am going to start waking up at 6, going to the gym, getting my quiet time in. Have the girls wake up around 8. Eat breakfast as a family and start school around 9:30 and end around 11:30. Also going to have to start going to bed early myself...:P I think this is going to be harder on me than the girls. Waking up early is not my thing, or getting myself going for that matter.
So any pointers from anyone. Not only in me getting up and getting going but how do I break up a 2 hour school day for Ari. For putting my family on a strict schedule they have never had to follow before. (Michael is so getting up with me. I am not doing it alone!!!) And just to teach Ari that for these 2 hours, they are different and separate?
After typing this I am trying to figure out why I decided to write on two separate things. Does rearranging my house and starting school really have anything to do with each other. Not really. Do beds, cribs and school really fall in the same category. Nope. But I think the thing is, that when you have kids, you have to change and be willing to change. And all your carefully laid out plans really mean nothing. When I bought the bunk bed, I never thought it would result with us sleeping in the basement. And I never thought that Ari finally being able to start school would have to completely change the way we function in our daily lives. I think we will live though, as long as the coffee doesn't run out. :)
And now the big change. Pre-school. No, we aren't enrolling. We just don't have the money at this point. No I am going to home school. Unfortunately this means I have to change a lot of our daily habits. Big one is me getting up in the morning. Usually I don't have to roll our of bed till around 8:30 (I know, so spoiled) and I don't go to bed till midnight. Then we poke around all morning and get nothing done. This is not going to fly. I need a schedule. I hate that word by the way. So starting next week I am going to start waking up at 6, going to the gym, getting my quiet time in. Have the girls wake up around 8. Eat breakfast as a family and start school around 9:30 and end around 11:30. Also going to have to start going to bed early myself...:P I think this is going to be harder on me than the girls. Waking up early is not my thing, or getting myself going for that matter.
So any pointers from anyone. Not only in me getting up and getting going but how do I break up a 2 hour school day for Ari. For putting my family on a strict schedule they have never had to follow before. (Michael is so getting up with me. I am not doing it alone!!!) And just to teach Ari that for these 2 hours, they are different and separate?
After typing this I am trying to figure out why I decided to write on two separate things. Does rearranging my house and starting school really have anything to do with each other. Not really. Do beds, cribs and school really fall in the same category. Nope. But I think the thing is, that when you have kids, you have to change and be willing to change. And all your carefully laid out plans really mean nothing. When I bought the bunk bed, I never thought it would result with us sleeping in the basement. And I never thought that Ari finally being able to start school would have to completely change the way we function in our daily lives. I think we will live though, as long as the coffee doesn't run out. :)
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
How Tony got her groove back
When most people think about people going off and finding themselves they usually think of people going to some spiritual retreat or far off island. I, on the other hand, go back to the town I spent 18 years in and had sworn I was never going back to. Yes, I found myself in Salina. (When I told my sister I had rediscovered who I am, she promptly said in disbelief "In Salina?")Many of you have been reading my post know that I have been working through some issues. Most of them relating to mommyhood and wifedom (I just created words) But this weekend, between way too much beer, good coffee and some good friend advice, I found some valuable truths about myself that I had forgotten.
The fist truth is the biggest. Though I will always be a mother and a wife, those two things do not define who I am. Don't get me wrong, they play a huge part of my life, but they should never define my life. My worth and who I am does not come from either.
The second truth is going to cause a lot of controversy and I really don't care if people agree with me or not. It's that the church has done me and many woman like me, a huge injustice. Painting the picture of the good wife and mother as a humble, quiet woman. Never pushing her husband too far, and to be patient and always forgiving. That I should be self sacrificing and in this way I am serving my husband and serving the lord. This is a bunch of BS by the way. I will get to that in a minute.
The third and final truth I learned is just remembering who I am at all times. The woman that my husband fell in love with was a passionate woman who faced any challenge head on. She breezed by him when he was collecting cover at a local music hang out like she owned the place. Didn't even give him a second look. After a minute of being bored I walked to the back to go find my brother in law (who did partially own it) When my husband finally got the nerve to talk to me, we stayed up all night talking but was still to shy to ask me out. Over the next 3 days, to get my point I liked him, I made him clean dirt off my pants after I sat down, (this required him touching my butt) and purposely made him put his arm around me because I was "cold"
I am not humble or quiet. I brag about what I am good at. When I speak, I am listened too. And if you ignore me, I will get your attention. When I walk into a room, I expect to be looked at and noticed. My word in my home is law and will not be argued with. I am passionate about what I love and I face my fears. I am terrified of heights but have gone repelling off giant towers. I hate needles but have gotten a tattoo. I love thunderstorms and dancing in the rain. I love adventure and the unknown. I am spontaneous, carefree, and disorganized. I lose track of time and will always put talking with friends over everything else. I don't have many friends, but the ones I have I love with all my heart and will fight for them and with them. But most of all, I am passionate about my family. My kids and my husband. I will fight for both. I will not stand by as things and this world try to take that away from me.
So where does this leave me, well for one I am buying my first pair of shorts (ok skort) in the first time in years. The world is going to see my legs and you all just better deal with it. (And you will like it too) I got a whole bunch of books and I am not going to let some 18 year old boy beat me at my own video game :) And, last but not least, I am going to take up guitar.
The fist truth is the biggest. Though I will always be a mother and a wife, those two things do not define who I am. Don't get me wrong, they play a huge part of my life, but they should never define my life. My worth and who I am does not come from either.
The second truth is going to cause a lot of controversy and I really don't care if people agree with me or not. It's that the church has done me and many woman like me, a huge injustice. Painting the picture of the good wife and mother as a humble, quiet woman. Never pushing her husband too far, and to be patient and always forgiving. That I should be self sacrificing and in this way I am serving my husband and serving the lord. This is a bunch of BS by the way. I will get to that in a minute.
The third and final truth I learned is just remembering who I am at all times. The woman that my husband fell in love with was a passionate woman who faced any challenge head on. She breezed by him when he was collecting cover at a local music hang out like she owned the place. Didn't even give him a second look. After a minute of being bored I walked to the back to go find my brother in law (who did partially own it) When my husband finally got the nerve to talk to me, we stayed up all night talking but was still to shy to ask me out. Over the next 3 days, to get my point I liked him, I made him clean dirt off my pants after I sat down, (this required him touching my butt) and purposely made him put his arm around me because I was "cold"
I am not humble or quiet. I brag about what I am good at. When I speak, I am listened too. And if you ignore me, I will get your attention. When I walk into a room, I expect to be looked at and noticed. My word in my home is law and will not be argued with. I am passionate about what I love and I face my fears. I am terrified of heights but have gone repelling off giant towers. I hate needles but have gotten a tattoo. I love thunderstorms and dancing in the rain. I love adventure and the unknown. I am spontaneous, carefree, and disorganized. I lose track of time and will always put talking with friends over everything else. I don't have many friends, but the ones I have I love with all my heart and will fight for them and with them. But most of all, I am passionate about my family. My kids and my husband. I will fight for both. I will not stand by as things and this world try to take that away from me.
So where does this leave me, well for one I am buying my first pair of shorts (ok skort) in the first time in years. The world is going to see my legs and you all just better deal with it. (And you will like it too) I got a whole bunch of books and I am not going to let some 18 year old boy beat me at my own video game :) And, last but not least, I am going to take up guitar.
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