Funny things in life make one want to write. For some, They have an intense, burning love that they have to express to another, and they use that as their muse. Others, it may be that beautiful, quiet walk in the woods that lets the words flow from their fingers to the keyboard. But for me, it is lying in bed with my calves hurting from dancing the night before that has inspired me to write.
Tonight I get my girls back. They have been gone for 3 weeks and, though I have enjoyed being a bum, I miss them and I am ready for cuddles and kisses from them. And on my last day of freedom I am looking around my house and seeing everything I didn't do and starting to panic.
As I would have 3 weeks without kids, I made myself an imaginary check list of things that I would get done. And guess what? I haven't really gotten any of it done. I was going to organize the basement and rearrange my room. Go through all the kids toys and make them all nice and neat while trashing the bad ones. Clean up around the bushes in front of the house. Pull all the grass growing in the driveway cracks. Weed the garden and actually put in trellises. Clean the gutters. And last, but certainly not least, clean up behind the stupid garage.
The knowledge that I didn't do any of those things is completely eating at me this morning. The voice in my head is going nuts. "See, you are completely irresponsible. And you expect to go back to school? You wasted all that time on a garden and you completely failed. You can't even keep up on the yard work. And you want to buy a house in the future. And what about working out? You didn't even attempt to work out. You are a failure at a mom. Couldn't even get your kids toys and supplies clean. You had 3 freaking weeks. God, you suck so much!!"
And so now I lay in bed, not wanting to get up. Because the guilt is there. For some reason I always feel guilty for something. My whole life is consumed by the guilt. The ghost of everything I never did or didn't do right. It weighs me down sometimes like iron chains, making me unable to move forward with my life. And I am sick of it.
I am trying to look at the above list and put positive spins on it. I did mostly weed the garden. And hey, I knew it was going to be a learning experience this year. I know exactly what I don't want to do next year. (That may be have a garden, so what?) And who cares if the basement is a clutter and my room is haphazardly put together? I am the only one to venture into either one.
So I am trying. Because even though maybe I do need to learn to be more responsible with my time, I can't let the guilt destroy me when I am not. Because that is even more damaging to my life. I have to get rid of the iron chains that drag me down. I just have to.
