Unless you have been living under a rock, everyone of my friends know that I am part of The Air Capital Skeptics and that in a couple weeks, we will be having our yearly conference, The Skeptics of Oz. What many of you may not know is the complete and total stress I have been under in planning and how it is consuming my life. And it isn't like I am not busy as it is. Between work, school, the kids, moving, and a somewhat active social life, I am planning this conference. And the big question is WHY THE HELL WOULD I SIGN UP TO DO ONE MORE BLOODY THING?!
There are probably a huge number of highly more qualified people to do this whole president thing. I am still learning the names of some of the more atheist and science writers, bloggers, and pod casts. I have no real area of expertise in any of the more intellectual pursuits of life. And when it comes to logic versus emotions, my emotional side has a nasty habit of beating the shit of out my logic side and completely takes me over. By and by, I may be the least inept president of a logic and science group ever.
But this conference means everything to me.
A little over 2 years ago I went the after party of Skeptics of Oz. I didn't go to the actual conference, as I had only been attending Skeptics in the Pub for a few months. And even going to those caused panic attacks where I sat in my car and hyperventilated before going in. (And sometimes, then walking back to car, then back in, then back out....) My world at the point in my life was in total chaos. I was on the edge of something I didn't understand. My inner me wanted out into the skeptics. It wanted to feed on the knowledge I heard at each meeting. It wanted to know everything. Every subject, every idea, and conversation, it wanted to jump in and absorb. But the me who I was supposed to be. What everyone, my whole life had said I was and had to change to be better, was holding her back. The me that was too dumb, too loud, too boyish, too strong willed, too blunt and was trying to just conform to what the world, her church, even her long dead mother had told her she was only capable of being, was scared and frightened and knew she didn't belong in that world of Skepticism.
But, I went to the after party
And it was there, that my doubts were listened to. I asked my questions, as stupid as I thought they were, and instead of ridicule, I was met with not only the answers I was seeking, but the encouragement to keep asking. And I asked some really, really stupid questions!! But their kindness, the enthusiasm, their friendship they offered me that night, was amazing. And it started a fire in my being that I thought I lost as a little girl. It began a journey that changed me completely and how I approach the world.
This group, this conference, is so much more than some anti-religion group. This is the group that has taught me to learn. It has taught me to question ideals and thoughts on everything I have ever been taught. Not only on personal beliefs, but even basic science ideas and how things work. I have discovered that someone questioning why I know something, doesn't mean they are insulting my intelligence, it is more, a questioning my source. It causes me to research more and to look up true meanings of things.
I have even learned to cope with personal struggles better. I have been introduced to so many strong, independent women that break the stereotype I have held against them. I have learned that obsessing about shoes and clothes does't mean that women won't take you down in an intellectual conversation. That an a deep love of pumpkin spice anything doesn't mean she isn't a strong willed feminist, who won't hesitate to defend women's right with a steel resolve. That loving Pinterest and having sorority sisters, doesn't mean that you don't have a deep passion for helping the young children learn and are able to let them flourish in their own way.
I love this conference. I love the discussions it causes. We are not all of the same skeptical minds. There have been talks that not everyone agrees on. But that is what it is about. Challenging ideas and beliefs and creating the opportunity to talk and debate. I love the people, their passions, their ideas. This conference is a constant reminder, to never be happy with your status quo of knowledge. And I think that everyone could benefit from such a state of mind. And I hope, that as long as I am in Wichita, I can be a part of it.
Tuesday, October 6, 2015
Sunday, April 19, 2015
I get by with a little help...Oh wait, no I don't
So, the past 8 months of my life have been a little more hectic than usual. And that is saying a lot from me, as my life is always hectic. But, 8 months ago I made the decision that I was sick of complaining about having a dead end job and no degree, and I was going to do something about it. At the time, I was full of ambition and energy and optimistic about my life.
Fast forward 8 months later, and I am so freaking tired I can't see straight. Even in the rare moments I have time to do things, I rarely have the energy. I know I have made post in the past about my house falling apart, but at this point, I wish my house looked like it did then, as that would be an improvement. And as far as my social life? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Dear god, what social life? I have had to cut out a lot of friend time with people, and have quit going out as much, which even cost me relationship, and it has made me just a cranky human being.
And the one thing I hear most people say is, "Just ask for help. I can help. Billy Bob can help you, just ask for help. Why don't you just ask for help?" And this has been a thing I have had a really, really hard time explaining. Why don't I just ask for help? Am I too proud and stubborn? Well, ya, I kinda am, I won't lie. But there is more to it, some underlying fears that make asking for, or even accepting help hard. So, I decided that I will make a list. Not only for the sake of those around me, but also it helps to finally put these thoughts down.
***Warning*** These are brutally honest reasons. Some may be upset by them and others may refuse to understand them. But that doesn't change that this is how I feel about this.
1.) My life is a disaster.
I have sticky stuff stuck to the floor. Cheerios are everywhere. I sometimes find dirty dishes from god only knows when in the rooms of the house, and that is the stuff that I am willing to admit. I am ashamed to have people over, even to help. And you can say all you want that it doesn't bug you, but it bugs me. I feel sick with just the thought of someone coming over and seeing my life like this. This isn't who I am, and to admit and show other people that it has gotten like this, is extremely hard and it would require that I absolutely trust you before I let you come over and see my life a wreck.
2.) I have to admit I can't do it all
My life has never been easy, and from a very young age, I had to learn to take on the world and all its responsibilities. The fact that I have found myself in a situation beyond my abilities to handle sucks. And to admit it sucks more. It makes me feel like less than who I am. That somehow, in accepting help, I am letting go of a piece of what defines me and everything I have ever stood up for.
3.) I don't really have time for you'.
So let's say I do accept your help, not only do I not have time to try to explain what I need done or where things go, I also can't hang out after. Yes, I know you just spent 2 hours helping me with yard work, but I still have laundry to do, a kitchen to clean, kids to feed, and then homework to do, so please just get the fuck out. I can't talk to you, I may really want to sit and talk and relax after you have done what you can, but my work isn't done. How am I supposed to accept help knowing that I am going to want to kick you out out the moment you are done. That seems rude and absolutely horrible in my book.
4.) I have to question your motives.
This is a bit hard for you guys to take, but it is the truth. I have to question the motives of the opposite sex. I would really like to think all guys offering me help is because they want to make the world a better place. I really would. But it isn't true. I know that I have had guys offer me help because they are really hoping that somehow they are "scoring points" so to say. That at some point, down the line, this is going to mean I am going to want date/sleep with them. And when you pair that with the above problem I have, that leaves some pissed off guys who feel I just "used them" (even though they offered the help, I never asked). And I know this isn't all of you, but it is a majority. And with just how crazy my life is, I just don't have time for that crap.
I have no idea what I need.
I honestly don't know how to accept help. I can't tell you what I need. I have no idea what I need. I only know I am having a mental breakdown and I have no idea where to start fixing it. I am also an OCD, control freak. I am going to want to direct every action you do while cleaning. I am going to worry if it is being done right. There is only 1 person who has had the ability to walk into my house and clean it like hers and I don't freak out. She doesn't ask what needs to be done, she just does it and makes go work on something else. I don't know how she does it, but she does. So unless she starts giving lessons, I don't know what to tell you when you ask what I need.
So, this is why I don't accept help. It may sound crazy in parts, and I am sure others can relate to others. And maybe it will also help you see just why some single moms seem to be glutton for punishments and this way you can, at least, know how to help them. :)
Fast forward 8 months later, and I am so freaking tired I can't see straight. Even in the rare moments I have time to do things, I rarely have the energy. I know I have made post in the past about my house falling apart, but at this point, I wish my house looked like it did then, as that would be an improvement. And as far as my social life? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Dear god, what social life? I have had to cut out a lot of friend time with people, and have quit going out as much, which even cost me relationship, and it has made me just a cranky human being.
And the one thing I hear most people say is, "Just ask for help. I can help. Billy Bob can help you, just ask for help. Why don't you just ask for help?" And this has been a thing I have had a really, really hard time explaining. Why don't I just ask for help? Am I too proud and stubborn? Well, ya, I kinda am, I won't lie. But there is more to it, some underlying fears that make asking for, or even accepting help hard. So, I decided that I will make a list. Not only for the sake of those around me, but also it helps to finally put these thoughts down.
***Warning*** These are brutally honest reasons. Some may be upset by them and others may refuse to understand them. But that doesn't change that this is how I feel about this.
1.) My life is a disaster.
I have sticky stuff stuck to the floor. Cheerios are everywhere. I sometimes find dirty dishes from god only knows when in the rooms of the house, and that is the stuff that I am willing to admit. I am ashamed to have people over, even to help. And you can say all you want that it doesn't bug you, but it bugs me. I feel sick with just the thought of someone coming over and seeing my life like this. This isn't who I am, and to admit and show other people that it has gotten like this, is extremely hard and it would require that I absolutely trust you before I let you come over and see my life a wreck.
2.) I have to admit I can't do it all
My life has never been easy, and from a very young age, I had to learn to take on the world and all its responsibilities. The fact that I have found myself in a situation beyond my abilities to handle sucks. And to admit it sucks more. It makes me feel like less than who I am. That somehow, in accepting help, I am letting go of a piece of what defines me and everything I have ever stood up for.
3.) I don't really have time for you'.
So let's say I do accept your help, not only do I not have time to try to explain what I need done or where things go, I also can't hang out after. Yes, I know you just spent 2 hours helping me with yard work, but I still have laundry to do, a kitchen to clean, kids to feed, and then homework to do, so please just get the fuck out. I can't talk to you, I may really want to sit and talk and relax after you have done what you can, but my work isn't done. How am I supposed to accept help knowing that I am going to want to kick you out out the moment you are done. That seems rude and absolutely horrible in my book.
4.) I have to question your motives.
This is a bit hard for you guys to take, but it is the truth. I have to question the motives of the opposite sex. I would really like to think all guys offering me help is because they want to make the world a better place. I really would. But it isn't true. I know that I have had guys offer me help because they are really hoping that somehow they are "scoring points" so to say. That at some point, down the line, this is going to mean I am going to want date/sleep with them. And when you pair that with the above problem I have, that leaves some pissed off guys who feel I just "used them" (even though they offered the help, I never asked). And I know this isn't all of you, but it is a majority. And with just how crazy my life is, I just don't have time for that crap.
I have no idea what I need.
I honestly don't know how to accept help. I can't tell you what I need. I have no idea what I need. I only know I am having a mental breakdown and I have no idea where to start fixing it. I am also an OCD, control freak. I am going to want to direct every action you do while cleaning. I am going to worry if it is being done right. There is only 1 person who has had the ability to walk into my house and clean it like hers and I don't freak out. She doesn't ask what needs to be done, she just does it and makes go work on something else. I don't know how she does it, but she does. So unless she starts giving lessons, I don't know what to tell you when you ask what I need.
So, this is why I don't accept help. It may sound crazy in parts, and I am sure others can relate to others. And maybe it will also help you see just why some single moms seem to be glutton for punishments and this way you can, at least, know how to help them. :)
Sunday, July 20, 2014
My "to do list" unchecked.
Funny things in life make one want to write. For some, They have an intense, burning love that they have to express to another, and they use that as their muse. Others, it may be that beautiful, quiet walk in the woods that lets the words flow from their fingers to the keyboard. But for me, it is lying in bed with my calves hurting from dancing the night before that has inspired me to write.
Tonight I get my girls back. They have been gone for 3 weeks and, though I have enjoyed being a bum, I miss them and I am ready for cuddles and kisses from them. And on my last day of freedom I am looking around my house and seeing everything I didn't do and starting to panic.
As I would have 3 weeks without kids, I made myself an imaginary check list of things that I would get done. And guess what? I haven't really gotten any of it done. I was going to organize the basement and rearrange my room. Go through all the kids toys and make them all nice and neat while trashing the bad ones. Clean up around the bushes in front of the house. Pull all the grass growing in the driveway cracks. Weed the garden and actually put in trellises. Clean the gutters. And last, but certainly not least, clean up behind the stupid garage.
The knowledge that I didn't do any of those things is completely eating at me this morning. The voice in my head is going nuts. "See, you are completely irresponsible. And you expect to go back to school? You wasted all that time on a garden and you completely failed. You can't even keep up on the yard work. And you want to buy a house in the future. And what about working out? You didn't even attempt to work out. You are a failure at a mom. Couldn't even get your kids toys and supplies clean. You had 3 freaking weeks. God, you suck so much!!"
And so now I lay in bed, not wanting to get up. Because the guilt is there. For some reason I always feel guilty for something. My whole life is consumed by the guilt. The ghost of everything I never did or didn't do right. It weighs me down sometimes like iron chains, making me unable to move forward with my life. And I am sick of it.
I am trying to look at the above list and put positive spins on it. I did mostly weed the garden. And hey, I knew it was going to be a learning experience this year. I know exactly what I don't want to do next year. (That may be have a garden, so what?) And who cares if the basement is a clutter and my room is haphazardly put together? I am the only one to venture into either one.
So I am trying. Because even though maybe I do need to learn to be more responsible with my time, I can't let the guilt destroy me when I am not. Because that is even more damaging to my life. I have to get rid of the iron chains that drag me down. I just have to.
Tonight I get my girls back. They have been gone for 3 weeks and, though I have enjoyed being a bum, I miss them and I am ready for cuddles and kisses from them. And on my last day of freedom I am looking around my house and seeing everything I didn't do and starting to panic.
As I would have 3 weeks without kids, I made myself an imaginary check list of things that I would get done. And guess what? I haven't really gotten any of it done. I was going to organize the basement and rearrange my room. Go through all the kids toys and make them all nice and neat while trashing the bad ones. Clean up around the bushes in front of the house. Pull all the grass growing in the driveway cracks. Weed the garden and actually put in trellises. Clean the gutters. And last, but certainly not least, clean up behind the stupid garage.
The knowledge that I didn't do any of those things is completely eating at me this morning. The voice in my head is going nuts. "See, you are completely irresponsible. And you expect to go back to school? You wasted all that time on a garden and you completely failed. You can't even keep up on the yard work. And you want to buy a house in the future. And what about working out? You didn't even attempt to work out. You are a failure at a mom. Couldn't even get your kids toys and supplies clean. You had 3 freaking weeks. God, you suck so much!!"
And so now I lay in bed, not wanting to get up. Because the guilt is there. For some reason I always feel guilty for something. My whole life is consumed by the guilt. The ghost of everything I never did or didn't do right. It weighs me down sometimes like iron chains, making me unable to move forward with my life. And I am sick of it.
I am trying to look at the above list and put positive spins on it. I did mostly weed the garden. And hey, I knew it was going to be a learning experience this year. I know exactly what I don't want to do next year. (That may be have a garden, so what?) And who cares if the basement is a clutter and my room is haphazardly put together? I am the only one to venture into either one.
So I am trying. Because even though maybe I do need to learn to be more responsible with my time, I can't let the guilt destroy me when I am not. Because that is even more damaging to my life. I have to get rid of the iron chains that drag me down. I just have to.
Tuesday, June 25, 2013
The Paradox of Motherhood
I love my girls. I love them more than anything else in my life. I love them more than I loved my parents, my sisters, my friends, and my (now ex) husband.
And I also want to sell them off to the nearest band of roving gypsies and never see them.
Ahhh, the Paradox of Motherhood. We have all heard it. We love our kids, but can't wait to get away from them. But then we get away from them, and we miss them. But, to me, this only skims the surface of how I feel about my girls.
To me, my children are my paradox. Their very existence confounds me. How I love them confuses me.
I look at them and they amaze me. Those 2 girls are as different as night and day. But yet, I can watch them both, and see me in each of them. They fight like cats and dogs and I am constantly on them about sharing with each other. But when Ari was waking up from anesthesia, the first person she asked for was her sister. They don't listen worth a damn sometimes, and I am constantly feeling like I am only half a step ahead of a mental break down. But when I think about something happening to them, I break down in tears. Because just the mere thought of losing one them breaks my heart in a way I am sure I could never recover from
But I sometimes think of what my life would have been if I hadn't had them. How I could be free to stay out late on the weekends. To game till 2 in the morning while living off a diet of Mt. Dew and Pizza Rolls. How certain areas of my body wouldn't be sagging. I feel guilty about how I am 99.9% positive that if I could, I would tell my younger self to never have kids. I especially feel guilty when they are away for week at grandma's, that I kinda, really don't miss them.
I never wanted to be a mom. Most girls dream of their future husbands, their wedding day, and then being a mom. I didn't. In fact, when I drew my dream wedding dress in grade school, instead of a bouquet of flowers, I drew me holding a sword. Because I was going to be kicking ass, not getting married. Or maybe I was going to run my husband-to-be through. But either way, I wasn't going to be tied down to some man.
But I did. Because everyone said I should. And then everyone said that since we were married, we NEEDED to have kids. Don't listen to that nagging voice in your head that says you aren't really ready and maybe you aren't mom material. Because being a mom is the best joy there ever could be. The most rewarding job you will ever have.
(BTW, we really need to stop telling young people the above. WORST ADVICE EVER!!!)
Because not everyone is made to be mom. My roommate told me she knew that if I didn't already have kids, I wouldn't have kids. And she wasn't being mean. She was being honest. And she was right. I am not mom material. I am selfish and self absorbed. I am constantly telling other young woman not to have kids if they have doubts. Because seriously, having children really should be the one decision people shouldn't rush into!!!
And therein lies my paradox. Because the above statement is true. I am not mom material. My whole goal of the next 15 years of my life is to raise those two spawn of mine to be completely self reliant and able to move the hell out of my house when they are 18. I don't see me being teary eyed when they move out. I see me renting the U-Haul to take their crap so I can turn their room into a library/gaming room. (The way it was before I had them!!) But yet, I am a mom. And there are some people who say I am a pretty good mom. And I know that who I am today is because I am a mom. And not that being a mom identifies me by any means. But the last 6 years of my life have shaped me to be who I am now. And while I still struggle on whether or not I would change that if I could, I know that at this moment of my life, I love those girls with every ounce of my being. And I am completely looking forward to this weekend when I don't have to be around them. ;)
And I also want to sell them off to the nearest band of roving gypsies and never see them.
Ahhh, the Paradox of Motherhood. We have all heard it. We love our kids, but can't wait to get away from them. But then we get away from them, and we miss them. But, to me, this only skims the surface of how I feel about my girls.
To me, my children are my paradox. Their very existence confounds me. How I love them confuses me.
I look at them and they amaze me. Those 2 girls are as different as night and day. But yet, I can watch them both, and see me in each of them. They fight like cats and dogs and I am constantly on them about sharing with each other. But when Ari was waking up from anesthesia, the first person she asked for was her sister. They don't listen worth a damn sometimes, and I am constantly feeling like I am only half a step ahead of a mental break down. But when I think about something happening to them, I break down in tears. Because just the mere thought of losing one them breaks my heart in a way I am sure I could never recover from
But I sometimes think of what my life would have been if I hadn't had them. How I could be free to stay out late on the weekends. To game till 2 in the morning while living off a diet of Mt. Dew and Pizza Rolls. How certain areas of my body wouldn't be sagging. I feel guilty about how I am 99.9% positive that if I could, I would tell my younger self to never have kids. I especially feel guilty when they are away for week at grandma's, that I kinda, really don't miss them.
I never wanted to be a mom. Most girls dream of their future husbands, their wedding day, and then being a mom. I didn't. In fact, when I drew my dream wedding dress in grade school, instead of a bouquet of flowers, I drew me holding a sword. Because I was going to be kicking ass, not getting married. Or maybe I was going to run my husband-to-be through. But either way, I wasn't going to be tied down to some man.
But I did. Because everyone said I should. And then everyone said that since we were married, we NEEDED to have kids. Don't listen to that nagging voice in your head that says you aren't really ready and maybe you aren't mom material. Because being a mom is the best joy there ever could be. The most rewarding job you will ever have.
(BTW, we really need to stop telling young people the above. WORST ADVICE EVER!!!)
Because not everyone is made to be mom. My roommate told me she knew that if I didn't already have kids, I wouldn't have kids. And she wasn't being mean. She was being honest. And she was right. I am not mom material. I am selfish and self absorbed. I am constantly telling other young woman not to have kids if they have doubts. Because seriously, having children really should be the one decision people shouldn't rush into!!!
And therein lies my paradox. Because the above statement is true. I am not mom material. My whole goal of the next 15 years of my life is to raise those two spawn of mine to be completely self reliant and able to move the hell out of my house when they are 18. I don't see me being teary eyed when they move out. I see me renting the U-Haul to take their crap so I can turn their room into a library/gaming room. (The way it was before I had them!!) But yet, I am a mom. And there are some people who say I am a pretty good mom. And I know that who I am today is because I am a mom. And not that being a mom identifies me by any means. But the last 6 years of my life have shaped me to be who I am now. And while I still struggle on whether or not I would change that if I could, I know that at this moment of my life, I love those girls with every ounce of my being. And I am completely looking forward to this weekend when I don't have to be around them. ;)
Saturday, March 9, 2013
All by myself....
I am a single mom and it sucks. You do everything alone. You cook, alone. You clean, alone. You clean up pee and vomit in the middle of the night, alone. Michael hasn't lived here for 8 months now. And in that time I have had mental break downs over the stupid, $%&&*,^^$#%#^,&*$$%@,$^%#%$,&%^*$,^&*%^#$,%@%$ light bulbs blowing out. I have created the leaning tower of laundry baskets because I went over a week without folding clothes. I have fed my children dinner out of measuring cups, because I hadn't done dishes in a couple days. And did I mention the light bulbs?
The beginning was hardest. Where once I had someone to at least help fold clothes at night while I loaded the dishwasher, I was now doing both. Then to add to the emotional drains that comes with separation and the stress of being alone, I didn't have energy. I also kept making the mistake of thinking that maybe I could still rely on this other person when he was over. All this did was create more stress and hurtful feelings between us. Things got ugly.
And then there is the stress of dating. (No judgements here, btw) I thought it would be easy to keep my personal life and my kids separate. I knew no matter who I dated, I didn't want them to be dad. My kids have a dad. And I wasn't going to parade a string of men through my house when I was raising two girls. (Ok, that sounds bad, but you know what I mean) But I have discovered I have a very hard time separating the mom from the woman. And there is the fact I AM NEVER AWAY FROM MY KIDS!!!!! There is no going to catch movies or going out to dinner. All dating almost always has to happen at my house. Where my kids are at. Remember the post I made about sex and kids? All that romantic stuff is a LOT more awkward when it is someone who has never dealt with kids. Hard to get all cuddly again when you have to go clean up your daughters pee. Him: Everything ok? Me: Ya, just had to get Ari cleaned up. That girl was COVERED in pee. Wanna cuddle? Him: o_O
But it hasn't been all bad. I have discovered who my amazingly awesome, real friends are. I think I acquired a wife who brings me alcohol and helps clean my house. I am kept well stock in yarn things, lip balm, and soap. I have a room mate who will watch the girls for me so I can still, part way, have a social life during the week. I have also discovered just how much I can do alone. I know that I have to rely on myself. And not it a bad way. But I know that if I want my girls to eat right, I will have to cook dinner before going to work, even though I know I will be cleaning up dinner when I get home from work. That I need to fold laundry everyday, before I can go to bed. If another stupid, POS, light bulb burns out, it is ok to grab the nearest soft object and beat it against the wall to get your frustration out. It doesn't sound like much, but my house has been relatively clean for the past week. And it has been all me. And yes, I still sometimes feel like having my break downs. There are days when I am so exhausted, I can't see straight. And those are the nights, I drink wine and call a friend. Because, even though I do everything else, no one should drink ever alone. :)
The beginning was hardest. Where once I had someone to at least help fold clothes at night while I loaded the dishwasher, I was now doing both. Then to add to the emotional drains that comes with separation and the stress of being alone, I didn't have energy. I also kept making the mistake of thinking that maybe I could still rely on this other person when he was over. All this did was create more stress and hurtful feelings between us. Things got ugly.
And then there is the stress of dating. (No judgements here, btw) I thought it would be easy to keep my personal life and my kids separate. I knew no matter who I dated, I didn't want them to be dad. My kids have a dad. And I wasn't going to parade a string of men through my house when I was raising two girls. (Ok, that sounds bad, but you know what I mean) But I have discovered I have a very hard time separating the mom from the woman. And there is the fact I AM NEVER AWAY FROM MY KIDS!!!!! There is no going to catch movies or going out to dinner. All dating almost always has to happen at my house. Where my kids are at. Remember the post I made about sex and kids? All that romantic stuff is a LOT more awkward when it is someone who has never dealt with kids. Hard to get all cuddly again when you have to go clean up your daughters pee. Him: Everything ok? Me: Ya, just had to get Ari cleaned up. That girl was COVERED in pee. Wanna cuddle? Him: o_O
But it hasn't been all bad. I have discovered who my amazingly awesome, real friends are. I think I acquired a wife who brings me alcohol and helps clean my house. I am kept well stock in yarn things, lip balm, and soap. I have a room mate who will watch the girls for me so I can still, part way, have a social life during the week. I have also discovered just how much I can do alone. I know that I have to rely on myself. And not it a bad way. But I know that if I want my girls to eat right, I will have to cook dinner before going to work, even though I know I will be cleaning up dinner when I get home from work. That I need to fold laundry everyday, before I can go to bed. If another stupid, POS, light bulb burns out, it is ok to grab the nearest soft object and beat it against the wall to get your frustration out. It doesn't sound like much, but my house has been relatively clean for the past week. And it has been all me. And yes, I still sometimes feel like having my break downs. There are days when I am so exhausted, I can't see straight. And those are the nights, I drink wine and call a friend. Because, even though I do everything else, no one should drink ever alone. :)
Friday, February 8, 2013
I'm not ok.
I've put off writing this or even saying anything about this for way to long. Every time I start, I feel people will only view me as some sort of attention whore. So instead, I keep it in. To not let anyone know, just how on the edge of destruction I really am. Because I am Tonya. I am the head of a social group. I throw parties and host game nights. I am a social butterfly. I have overcome abandonment, my parents dying, being abused, and being raised in the system. I was a diesel mechanic in the army and can work power tools. I am always complimented on how well I handle stressful situations and keep my cool. How could I possibly let anyone know just how sad I really am? Just how, at this point in my life, I am finding it so hard to cope with everything going on.
And logically I look at my life, and know that some people have it worse. How can I complain? I am a single mom, but the girl's dad is still very active in their lives. I have an excellent job, in which I am respected. The hours cater to my still wanting to be home with the girls and still get home at a decent time. My girls are well behaved (usually) I have a nice house in a nice neighborhood. Why am I depressed?
Because that is just the looking front that I put on. Michael and I are constantly fighting. There is so much anger and animosity between us, that the last 3 holidays have ended in huge screaming matches. Who has the girls and when has become and huge issue. He wants things to be fair, but he can't see that I am with the girls everyday. And that me going 12 straight days with them without a break is stressful and not fair. I love my job, but it barely pays the bills. This nice house cost me my whole months paycheck. And that is if I get all my hours. And then there is the sitter issue. Again I am facing losing my sitter. I am in mad panic to find someone else to start watching my girls so I can even continue working. And then the looming fact that come September, Ari will be in school full time. Do I really want to be heading to work, as she is getting out of school? Do I attempt to go full time, and put Kira in daycare. Can I even afford that, even working full time. I know I will have to move to something smaller. And through all this fincacial madness, I am still trying to save money to actually get divorced.
And then there is just that basic fact that I am lonely. So God Damn lonely. Of course, I have felt this way for years. Being in a marriage in which there was no deep, emotional connection has completely drained me on this front. That deep yearning for a connection with someone. To be with someone who gets you and is willing to step outside their comfort zone to understand you. For someone to understand my passions, dreams, and desires, and be willing to support them. Someone I can share my worries and my fears, and not make fun of them. To be with someone who understands, that there are times I need a friend who will hold me while I cry, more than I need them to be a man.
But of course, I am completely gun shy to such a relationship. The few times I have tried opening up to people, has only ended with my feelings being marginalized. I can't possibly believe there is anyone I can fully trust. So I keep my superficial relationships. I don't let people in. I post funny statuses, or even ones where I am mad, but try to stay away from anything too deep and meaningful. I push away the people who can get close. I sit here and pretend that I am ok. And if anyone asks, I whip out my smile and laugh. Of course I am fine. I am Tonya. What else am I allowed to be?
And logically I look at my life, and know that some people have it worse. How can I complain? I am a single mom, but the girl's dad is still very active in their lives. I have an excellent job, in which I am respected. The hours cater to my still wanting to be home with the girls and still get home at a decent time. My girls are well behaved (usually) I have a nice house in a nice neighborhood. Why am I depressed?
Because that is just the looking front that I put on. Michael and I are constantly fighting. There is so much anger and animosity between us, that the last 3 holidays have ended in huge screaming matches. Who has the girls and when has become and huge issue. He wants things to be fair, but he can't see that I am with the girls everyday. And that me going 12 straight days with them without a break is stressful and not fair. I love my job, but it barely pays the bills. This nice house cost me my whole months paycheck. And that is if I get all my hours. And then there is the sitter issue. Again I am facing losing my sitter. I am in mad panic to find someone else to start watching my girls so I can even continue working. And then the looming fact that come September, Ari will be in school full time. Do I really want to be heading to work, as she is getting out of school? Do I attempt to go full time, and put Kira in daycare. Can I even afford that, even working full time. I know I will have to move to something smaller. And through all this fincacial madness, I am still trying to save money to actually get divorced.
And then there is just that basic fact that I am lonely. So God Damn lonely. Of course, I have felt this way for years. Being in a marriage in which there was no deep, emotional connection has completely drained me on this front. That deep yearning for a connection with someone. To be with someone who gets you and is willing to step outside their comfort zone to understand you. For someone to understand my passions, dreams, and desires, and be willing to support them. Someone I can share my worries and my fears, and not make fun of them. To be with someone who understands, that there are times I need a friend who will hold me while I cry, more than I need them to be a man.
But of course, I am completely gun shy to such a relationship. The few times I have tried opening up to people, has only ended with my feelings being marginalized. I can't possibly believe there is anyone I can fully trust. So I keep my superficial relationships. I don't let people in. I post funny statuses, or even ones where I am mad, but try to stay away from anything too deep and meaningful. I push away the people who can get close. I sit here and pretend that I am ok. And if anyone asks, I whip out my smile and laugh. Of course I am fine. I am Tonya. What else am I allowed to be?
Sunday, July 15, 2012
Now we're thinking in Portals
Yes, this is a repeat from my notes from 2 years ago. But been talking gaming lately, and thought it was appropriate.
Congratulations!!! You are in love with a unique breed. One who can sit endlessly looking at a screen and never seem to move but gets pure enjoyment out of the experience. This is great. As long as you don't mess with the gaming system area you can do whatever you want with the house, go out with friends, and have plenty of personal space. Now the bad news. You are in love with someone who can sit endlessly looking at a screen and never seem to move...
Anyhoo, I decided I wanted to write a few facts when it comes to you, the girlfriend/boyfriend of a gamer. Now I am a woman who married a non gamer. I find it funny listening to my friends complain about their gaming husbands because it sounds a lot like my hubby complaining about me. And of course, my husbands co workers thinks he is the luckiest man alive being married to gamer. I listen to them complain about what their wives nag about and it sounds a lot like me complaining about my hubby. So below are a list of things that you will just have to come to accept. It has nothing to do with being a man/woman. It is all about the game
1. Before we met you, Saturday was reserved for nothing but gaming. This has been our life style for God knows how long. We realize that we need to spend time together but don't expect us to be happy going antiquing/shopping/going for a walk at the park. We go because we love you, not because we want to. We will NEVER want to.
2. Since we are doing things we hate for you could you please let us have a couple Saturdays to sit and melt our brains? I mean, really? Is is so much to ask for you to leave us alone one day a week. You don't have to leave the house but just don't bug us that day, or give us the evil eye for sitting around doing nothing. (Yes we hear you say it's ok but your tone and your facial expression say much different)
3. We keep different hours than you. Staying up till 2, 3, 4 in the morning is normal for us. (And if we have spent the day at that art gallery you really wanted to go to, you forfeit your evening with us anyway, so pick one)
4. Just because you decide today is a great day to deep clean the house doesn't mean we agree. Here we are, minding our own business, playing that new COD and you bust out the mop bucket and dusters. Sorry hon. Doesn't work like that. We will keep on playing and you are just going to get pissy. But that is not our problem. YOU decided that ceiling fan was looking dingy, not us. Wait, we have a ceiling fan?
5. If we have a controller in our hands, don't talk to us. We may respond but we have no clue what you are saying nor do we care. Don't ask us where the new bookshelf should go, if the food you cooked taste good, when we should go see your mother. Just walk away. We are not listening.
6. Want to spend time with us. Pick a game you can play with us. For my husband and I, it's Mario Cart. I get to game, he gets quality time with me. Everyone is happy. Well almost....
7. Don't expect us to let you win. We play to win. That's why we game. Just because you and I swore before God to hold and cherish each other forever or had children together does not mean we have to let you win. Get over it. I know for a fact I will never be asked over to some of my friends house because I am "too competitive" I don't care either. I won. That's all that matters. And when we do win, we talk smack. We will rub your nose in it. We expect the same from you if you (ever) win.
8. Someday we may have children and realize that we will have to give up some of my gaming ways. I know this as a mom of a 4 year old and an 18 month old. I don't game NEARLY as much as I used to. I accept this. But if you really love us, buy us Halo Reach, then offer to take the kiddos out for awhile. We promise to return the favor.
9. BUT accept the moment that child is old enough to hold a controller it will be our life goal to turn him/her into a gamer. That way, quality time with the kids revolves around the almighty PS3.
10. And although we may not beat the kids as we beat you at games we won't just let the kids win either. I mean, how else do they know they need to get better. Besides, any child of mine better be giving me a run for my money before they are in kindergarten. If my child can't game...well we won't even go there.
So here you are. This is just the facts of life when you decide to love a gamer. You can't change them. Most of us have been gaming since before we could write our name. So next time that gamer is getting you down, take a deep breath, look over this list, and go buy that $100 dress you have been wanting. We probably won't even notice. (And your nagging is drowning out the screams of the dying in God of War, so just get out)
Congratulations!!! You are in love with a unique breed. One who can sit endlessly looking at a screen and never seem to move but gets pure enjoyment out of the experience. This is great. As long as you don't mess with the gaming system area you can do whatever you want with the house, go out with friends, and have plenty of personal space. Now the bad news. You are in love with someone who can sit endlessly looking at a screen and never seem to move...
Anyhoo, I decided I wanted to write a few facts when it comes to you, the girlfriend/boyfriend of a gamer. Now I am a woman who married a non gamer. I find it funny listening to my friends complain about their gaming husbands because it sounds a lot like my hubby complaining about me. And of course, my husbands co workers thinks he is the luckiest man alive being married to gamer. I listen to them complain about what their wives nag about and it sounds a lot like me complaining about my hubby. So below are a list of things that you will just have to come to accept. It has nothing to do with being a man/woman. It is all about the game
1. Before we met you, Saturday was reserved for nothing but gaming. This has been our life style for God knows how long. We realize that we need to spend time together but don't expect us to be happy going antiquing/shopping/going for a walk at the park. We go because we love you, not because we want to. We will NEVER want to.
2. Since we are doing things we hate for you could you please let us have a couple Saturdays to sit and melt our brains? I mean, really? Is is so much to ask for you to leave us alone one day a week. You don't have to leave the house but just don't bug us that day, or give us the evil eye for sitting around doing nothing. (Yes we hear you say it's ok but your tone and your facial expression say much different)
3. We keep different hours than you. Staying up till 2, 3, 4 in the morning is normal for us. (And if we have spent the day at that art gallery you really wanted to go to, you forfeit your evening with us anyway, so pick one)
4. Just because you decide today is a great day to deep clean the house doesn't mean we agree. Here we are, minding our own business, playing that new COD and you bust out the mop bucket and dusters. Sorry hon. Doesn't work like that. We will keep on playing and you are just going to get pissy. But that is not our problem. YOU decided that ceiling fan was looking dingy, not us. Wait, we have a ceiling fan?
5. If we have a controller in our hands, don't talk to us. We may respond but we have no clue what you are saying nor do we care. Don't ask us where the new bookshelf should go, if the food you cooked taste good, when we should go see your mother. Just walk away. We are not listening.
6. Want to spend time with us. Pick a game you can play with us. For my husband and I, it's Mario Cart. I get to game, he gets quality time with me. Everyone is happy. Well almost....
7. Don't expect us to let you win. We play to win. That's why we game. Just because you and I swore before God to hold and cherish each other forever or had children together does not mean we have to let you win. Get over it. I know for a fact I will never be asked over to some of my friends house because I am "too competitive" I don't care either. I won. That's all that matters. And when we do win, we talk smack. We will rub your nose in it. We expect the same from you if you (ever) win.
8. Someday we may have children and realize that we will have to give up some of my gaming ways. I know this as a mom of a 4 year old and an 18 month old. I don't game NEARLY as much as I used to. I accept this. But if you really love us, buy us Halo Reach, then offer to take the kiddos out for awhile. We promise to return the favor.
9. BUT accept the moment that child is old enough to hold a controller it will be our life goal to turn him/her into a gamer. That way, quality time with the kids revolves around the almighty PS3.
10. And although we may not beat the kids as we beat you at games we won't just let the kids win either. I mean, how else do they know they need to get better. Besides, any child of mine better be giving me a run for my money before they are in kindergarten. If my child can't game...well we won't even go there.
So here you are. This is just the facts of life when you decide to love a gamer. You can't change them. Most of us have been gaming since before we could write our name. So next time that gamer is getting you down, take a deep breath, look over this list, and go buy that $100 dress you have been wanting. We probably won't even notice. (And your nagging is drowning out the screams of the dying in God of War, so just get out)
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